


The years the locust have eaten

by Redbay37



Category: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield - Fandom, Emmerdale
Genre: Addiction, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:41:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28976811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redbay37/pseuds/Redbay37
Summary: PLEASE READ 'IF YOU CAN'T BUILD A BRIDGE I WILL SCALE YOUR WALLS FOR BACKSTORY.THIS IS PART 2 OF A SERIES.A follow on from 'If you can't build a bridge I will scale your walls'.Charity is a year into recovery....a ghost walks the Dales, a face from the past. Can some things be laid to rest to make way for something new?.......Charitys resolve will be tested to the limits, will she falter as her world will be shook to its core.Can Vanessa hold it together when everything they knew is suddenly torn apart?
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 36
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

It was a beautiful sunny afternoon as Vanessa strolled across the park to the swings. Johnny and Moses each side of her, Charity had an appointment in Hotten with her new protege. 

She had been in recovery for year and had been absolutely floored when not one but two people had approached her asking would she be their sponsor. Vanessa smiles to herself as she remembers the day Charity came home from her group session all excited because a young woman had appoached her and asked would she be her sponsor. After the elation of being chosen wore off she'd gone straight into panic mode fearing she'd damage anyone who she tried to help and her feelings of not being good enough resurfaced. After much deliberation with Nikki who she still sees once a month for a check in and also sees a lot of her round the centre Charity decided to go for it.  
Her new protoge was early in recovery and young, Nikki suggested maybe she sees Charity as a motherly figure. Charity nearly wet herself laughing when she came home and told Vanessa that one! Vanessa didn't laugh though...she told Charity she thought Nikki was right and why wouldn't a young girl who's been through hard times look up to Charity.  
Who better to understand and help?

Since then another person had approached her and asked but Charity had sensibly let them down gently explaining she was only a year in recovery and being a sponsor was new to her and she had to be careful of her own wellbeing.  
It was all new to Charity, she had a hard time believing she inspired people but time and time again her feedback in group sessions was how she had positively influenced others.  
Vanessa experienced such joy on Charitys journey of self discovery, to see her grow and open up to others and it caused Vanessas heart to swell with pride.

While Charity was off encouraging her new protege to work the 12 steps Vanessa took the opportunity to let the boys have a play and hopefully spend some of their energy.  
She lifted the boys into swings next to each other and was pushing them alternatively.

"You've got your hands full with two of them" shouted a woman walking her dog. The woman headed toward Vanessa her little dog reaching her first.

"You're one of the vets from the surgery over there" the woman stated rather than asked.

"Er..yeah" answered Vanessa.

"Thought I recognised you. I call in there for worming tablets and flea treatment for Missy here."

The womans skin was tanned and slightly leathered as if she had spent many years in the sun. She wore glasses with a slight shade, a pair of casual slacks, a white blouse with a pink jumper over her shoulders and tied at her front. She didn't look short of a bob or two Vanessa thought.

"Are they your boys?"

"Yeah"

The woman bent down and asked Moses "and what is your name cutie?"

"Moses... my brother Johnny." Moses grinned pointing at Johnny.

"Very biblical!" She exclaimed.

"Yeah my fiancees family have a tradition." Vanessa laughed.

"Your fiancee?"

"Yes her names Charity she owns the pub over there."

"The Woolpack?"

"Thats the one..the only pub in the village." Vanessa laughed.

Vanessa studied the woman, she seemed familiar but she had probably seen her at the vets.

"Do you live local?" Vanessa asked.

"I have a place in Spain, my husband he died recently so I'm looking to buy a place here to spend summer and then return to Spain for the winter."

"Oh sorry about your husband."

The woman suddenly looked uncomfortable.

"Anyhow I must go."

The woman took a last long look at Moses too long for Vanessas liking. Maybe she had a son or grandson and he reminds her of him. Whatever it was it was enough to heighten Vanessas senses. She wondered if she had always been suspicious or was it since the incident with Pierce. She shudders and makes the decision not to give the memory head space.

"Who's that babe?"

"Oh Charity I didn't see you coming. She's a customer at the vets." Vanessa kissed Charity.

"How was your appointment?" Asked Vanessa.

"It was good actually, she's a good kid who's been through a lot of shit. I like her she's got an edge and says it as she sees it. I couldn't cope with anyone really needy and clingy just yet or ever ha! (Charity laughs). Yeah we really got on and she said she wants to be where I am in a years time!" Charity made a tada gesture.

"Wow Charity Dingle in demand..beacon of hope for the hopeless"

"I knew you'd be impressed babe."

"I am" Vanessa kissed Charity as she took over pushing duty on the swings.

"The casserole is ready" said Charity

"There's no end to your talents now"

" To be fair babe the slow cooker has done the work I just threw the ingredients in."

"Yeah but it's the secret ingredients and seasoning that makes the difference! Have you got work to do tonight?"

"Yeah but I should hopefully have it wrapped up in an hour as long as it all balances and I'm not having to find missing purchases that someones forgotten to log."

The past year Charity had taken a back seat in running the pub. After discussions with Vanessa, Nikki and then Chas she decided it wasn't the best environment for her to constantly be in. She still covered occassionally but dealt with the financial side and ordering stock these days. It meant she lost her wage from working shifts but they managed with Vanessas wage and there was still a small income from the pub.  
It also gave Charity more time with the boys and at the recovery centre. She also took care of the house which Vanessa didn't mind at all. In fact she enjoyed coming home to no housework or cooking. Charitys cooking skills had vastly improved after she attended the cookery classes at the centre.

"Anyway enough about me..how was your day?"

"Only a few routine checks up this morning. Then a dog needing his anal glands expressing and a cat with gingivitus needing 2 teeth removed and a scrape."

"Hmm nice."

"Yeah thought you'd say that...after that excitement I locked up the surgery, popped in for a cuppa with Tracey then picked up the boys and decided to bring them here to spend their energy."

"Great idea" Charity laughed catching hold of Vanessa and wrapping her arms around her until Vanessa's head was tucked under Charitys chin and Charity rocked her slowly side to side.

Vanessa stayed in Charitys arms for a moment. She basked in the feeling of being protected, loved and safe, the familar smell of Charity that she adored. They shared the moment until Moses little voice piped up "mummy push" they broke apart smiling.

Johnny pointed to the roundabout indicating he wanted to go on. Charity lifted him out of the swing onto the ground and walked with him to the roundabout. Moses squealed when he saw Johnny and started to panic because Johnny was going on the roundabout without him. 

"Wait Moz I'll help" said Vanessa trying to grab a squirming Moses who couldn't get off the swing quick enough.

Moses was finally freed from the swing and immediately calmed and was back with his cheeky grin sitting proudly on the roundabout opposite Johnny.

"Ryan stopped by earlier, I told him you were in Hotten."

"Aw gutted I missed him"

"He said he'll pick Noah up and they'll go hang out, Ryan said he'd feed him and stop in to see you when he brings him home."

"Oh good I haven't missed him then."

"Come on then boys let's go get food. I'm looking forward to this casserole!"

The four of them headed back to Jacobs Fold, none of them noticing the figure in the parked car watching from a distance.

After tea they bathed the boys and put them to bed and went back downstairs to clear up the kitchen.

Vanessa turned to Charity once the last of the dishes were away. She reached out and placed her arms round Charitys neck joining her hands at the nape of her neck.

"Hmm some quiet time at last!" Said Vanessa lifting her eyebrows.

"A rarity in this house, movie and cuddles?"

Just as they were settled on the sofa together picking out a movie the door opened and in came Noah with Ryan.

"Hi mum, hi mum" they both called out full of good humoured banter.

"Aw yous had a nice time?" asked Vanessa.

"Yep but can't tell you what we were doin" quipped Ryan.

"Why not?" asked Vanessa indignant.

"Because what mums don't know they can't nag you about"

"Oi cheeky.."

Both Ryan and Noah laughed enjoying winding them up. 

"Noah wanted some advice from his big brother so I've advised him"

"On what?" asked Charity.

"Wouldn't you like to know....it's private" teased Ryan winking at Noah.

"You're just a wind up Ryan...we're not taking the bait" Vanessa said acting disinterested.

"I'm interested.....maybe I could advise you too Noah" Charity said with hope in her voice.

"Nah you're alright" laughed Noah "let's go upstairs" he motioned to Ryan.

"Off to the man cave for some man chat" teased Ryan.

They went up to Noahs room and switched on the xbox the only talk was about the game but Charity and Vanessa weren't to know that.

" Charmin that is! Thought he wanted to stop by and see me" said Charity.

"He seen you! They're hardly going to sit and watch a romcom with us. Probably upstairs on the xbox"

"Er who said we're watching a romcom?...what do think Noah wanted advice on?"

"Charity they're winding you up! And I'm picking the movie because you're usually asleep within 10 minutes anyway."

Vanessa picked a cheesy movie and sure enough when Ryan came down around 9 pm to go home Charity was already asleep.

"I'm off now I've sorted Noah out" called Ryan.

Charity woke "Er is he okay Ryan?"

"Well I told him to do the right thing, stick by her and marry her" answered Ryan seriously.

"You what!" Came Charitys high pitched reply suddenly wide awake.

Vanessa chuckled and Ryan winked at her.

"Bye"

"Ryan, Ryan are you winding me up?!"

"Mum...would I do that?" With an exaggerated smile on his face.

Charity threw a cushion at him "go on get out"

Ryan laughed as he opened the door "text me for lunch this week".

"Its a date" shouted Charity as he closes the door.

"Babe do you think he's serious?"

"Charity you know Ryan, if that were true he certainly wouldn't be telling you he'd make sure Noah did...you're such an easy wind up for him" she batted Charitys arm before snuggling into her to watch the end of the film.

The next day the morning light was peeping through the edges of the curtains as the alarm sounded.  
Vanessa hit the snooze button and sleepily buried herself in Charitys neck.  
"Morning babe" Charity croaked her voice heavy with sleep.  
"Morning..10 minutes and I'll get up and make a brew" vanessa sighed.  
After what felt like 5 minutes the alarm intruded on their peace again.

Vanessa planted a kiss on Charitys lips and got up.

"I'll go do breakfasts" said Vanessa.

"I'll get the boys up and dressed we'll be down shortly.

Vanessa put her housecoat on and slipped her feet into Charitys slippers as she couldn't find her own.  
She made her way downstairs and was setting up the breakfast, she could hear the chatter upstairs as Charity woke the boys and got them ready.

"Come on boys breakfast"

Vanessa had packed their paw patrol back packs with some fruit and a drink and their nursery books.  
Charity would drop them at school to give Vanessa time to shower and get ready for work.

"Leave the dishes babe I'll do them when I get back. I'll drop them at school and then call in and see chas for a cuppa."

"Okay, bye boys, give me a kiss, see you later and have a good day."

"Bye mummy" they gave her a hug and kiss and were off out the door with Charity.

Vanessa enjoyed having time to herself in the mornings getting ready although she sometimes joined them on the school run as she missed taking them and enjoyed the walk with Charity.

After dropping the boys off she called in to see Chas and spend some time with her and Eve.

When she returned to Jacobs Fold the post was lying on the mat. She picked it up and put it on the worktop in the kitchen to deal with later.  
Charity washed up the breakfast dishes and quickly showered and dressed leaving herself plenty of time to get into Hotten. She was having lunch with a few of the women from the centre. They usually met once a month to check in with each other, enjoy fine food and a break from their daily routines. It also enabled them look out for each other and it really helped some of them having that support. 

Before she left she made a tuna pasta salad and popped into the vets with it for Vanessa.

Pearl was sat at the reception desk, Charity nodded in her direction and gave her a quick hello. Vanessa walked out from the back consulting room a huge smile broke out on her face when she saw Charity.

"Brought you something babe"

"Oh thank you" replied Vanessa planting a lingering kiss on Charitys lips.

Pearl coughed as they parted so Charity pulled Vanessa closer and kissed her again.

Rhona walked out from the back and greeted Charity "hi Charity ah you spoiling Ness again?"

"Always" smiled Charity looking at Vanessa like she was the only person in the room.

"Have a nice time, give my love to the gang" said Vanessa.

"Will do, what time you home?"

"Aw I'm out on the farms this afternoon so I'm not sure. You know farmers they like to get their moneys worth once they've got you there."

Charity gave Vanessa a pity face "text me babe when you're on your way home and I'll have a nice hot bath waiting for you "

"Oh god I love you" Vanessa kissed Charity again.

"See you later babe (Charity smiled at Vanessa)....Rhona, Pearl" (Charity nodded in their direction) and was gone.

"Oh my god Ness, what have you done with Charity Dingle?" laughed Rhona.

Vanessas eyes stayed fixed on the door where Charity had just exited. 'She's always been there, all she needed was to be loved to reveal her' Vanessa thought but didn't vocalise. 

Charity enjoyed lunch with her friends, no pressure to be anything other than herself and completely accepted. Afterwards she done a little shopping side trip and bought some new clothes for the boys. 

5 Returning from Hotten Charity picked the boys up from school. She had cooked a bolognaise for tea chopping the spaghetti into small pieces for them easier to eat although both ended up with orange mouths and lips! After wiping their hands and faces and clearing the table she sat with them in the lounge playing with their building blocks until her phone beeped with a notification from Vanessa that she was finished and on her way home.

As promised Charity ran a bath with radox muscle relax and waited for Ness to come in.

The door opened and in walked Vanessa looking windswept but georgous as ever.

"Hey babes" Charity greeted her with a kiss as the boys danced around excitedly shouting "mummy" and trying to steer her towards their masterpieces of architecture with their building blocks while simutainiously hugging her.

Vanessa laughed she loved these greetings, loved coming home to her family at the end of her working day. Loved hearing about Charitys day, the boys day and telling Charity all about hers.

"Ok babe your bath is run, towels are out for you and food is ready to be served when you come down."

"Oh I am so spoilt! Thank you darling" she kissed Charity again and disappeared upstairs to enjoy a soak before food.

As Vanessa came downstairs the boys were watching tv and Charity was plating their food.

"Smells delicious" she said.

"Mmm and so do you babe"

They sat and ate chatting about their day before clearing the plates and joining the boys on the sofa. It was soon time for the boys bath and bed. Charity and Vanessa climbed the stairs with them and both bathed them. Johnny and Moses wanted them both to read a story so they stayed and read to them as they drifted off to sleep.

The dinner dishes needed clearing so Charity washed while Vanessa dried. As she was putting away the plates Vanessa noticed the post on the side.

"Is that todays?"

"Oh yeah I didn't get a chance to look at it earlier"

Vanessa looked through the letters.

"There's one here for you handwritten with a local postmark."

Charity looked at the letter and didn't recognise the writing.

"I'll have a look when I'm done here."

They finished off the dishes, Charity sat down on the sofa while Vanessa made a brew.  
Vanessa came and sat beside her handing her a mug and the letter.

She placed her mug on the table and opened the letter. 

Vanessa saw the puzzled expression as she read and then a look of disgust and anger flashed across Charitys face as she jumped up suddenly.

"This is some kind of sick joke..what the fuck..who would do this?"

"Charity what is it? Tell me"

Charity shook her head as she cried "no no no this is sick...this isn't happening. It's not true...I'm not reading those lies."

Vanessa got up and reached out to her as Charity turned and started pacing throwing the letter on the sofa. Vanessa picked it up and read....

..... Dear Charity  
I hope that you will take the time to read this letter even though I am not deserving of your time. I don't know where to start or how to say this but please read until the end that's all I ask for now, Charity it's me Kathleen your mum.  
It's true whether you choose to believe it or not. I'm sorry you have to find out now and like this. So many times I wanted to reach out and tell you. You may feel that this has come too late..I hope not..my hope is that you will give me a chance to explain. There are things that you have a right to know. Please give me a chance to tell you these things and if you want no more to do with me I will respect your decision.

Faith can confim that this letter is legitimate. Please don't be angry at her I have only contacted her recently she has had no knowledge about me over the years.

My mobile number is on the back of this letter. We can set up a meeting by text if you don't want to talk on the phone. Maybe it will be best to speak in person after all this time.

I never thought I'd have courage to write and I have put it off many times. The recent death of my partner has reminded me that we are not given forever and there are things you need to know before the chance is lost.

Kathleen.....

"


	2. Chapter 2

Charity felt the anxiety flood through her again, a feeling she hadn't felt for a long time. The sensation that a cistern had been emptied on her from above, the crawling sensation on the nape of her neck, the sweat breaking out on her palms, the struggle to breathe as she desperately tried to ground herself by naming 3 things she could hear, see and what's the other....she couldn't think...gasping..gasping. Vanessa was by her side...

"Charity, Charity look at me...breathe" she couldn't get Charity to focus "Charity...I'm here...look at me Charity"  
Charity finally drew in a large breath and exhaled exaggeratedly and long her eyes full of tears and panic. There was a cry she couldn't get out that she could only form as a prolonged strangled whimper.  
Her eyes started to focus on Vanessa.

"That's it babe breathe with me...in...out....in.....out" as Vanessa showed her how to breathe again she followed....in....out....in...out until she was able to inhale and exhale freely. She broke down and cried, Vanessa held her, Charitys body was limp, suddenly a surge of adrenalin hit her.

"I've got to get out." She broke away from Vanessa and grabbed her coat and keys.

"Charity no, talk to me. Just stay and talk to me."

"I've got to get out" she cried "I'm sorry Ness"

"What for?"

Charity just looked at her and slowly shook her head her face contorted with the pain as she turned and fled out of the door.  
Vanessa ran after her calling but Charity had got into her car and locked the doors. Vanessa knocked frantically on the window urging her not to go but she was beyond able to listen to reason and sped off forgetting to put on the car lights.  
A choked sob escaped Vanessa, she felt so powerless knowing how vulnerable Charity was in that moment.

Vanessa quickly scrolled through her phone and called Chas.

"Chas I need your help, I can't leave the kids, I don"t want to alert Noah, I don't want to worry him. I need to find Charity" Vanessas words were garbled and Chas couldn't make out what she was saying as she was crying.

"Woah Vanessa slow down and tell me what's happened"

Vanessa was still crying but managed to slow her speech and make it audible.

"A letter came for Charity. She opened it and it said it was from her mum. The letter said Faith could confirm the letter was legit. Charity's freaked, she had a panic attack and has took off in the car and I don't know where she's gone. Chas this could tip her back over the edge, I'm worried and I don't know what to do. I need to go and look for her but I've got Johnny and Moses. I don't want to tell Noah he'll be worried and I don't want to do that to him or explain things just yet."

"Shit...I didn't see that coming. Okay love I'll sort something just wait I'll get back to you as soon as I can" Chas hung up. Faith was at the bar, Chas turned to her.

"I take it Kathleen has contacted Charity" Faith said dryly.

"So it's true?"

"Unfortunately"

"Why didn't you say?"

"It's not my business, I was as shocked as you are now and told Kathleen I wanted no part in it. It's up to her to sort it with Charity and I wasn't going to be dragged in. No good will come of it"

"Right you can watch the boys for Vanessa. Don't say a word to Noah. I'm going with Vanessa to look for Charity"

Chas went in the back to tell Paddy where she was going and grabbed Mandy to cover the bar.

"I'm in here having a drink chillin!" Mandy huffed.

"It's an emergency Mandy just do it."

"Right well it's free drinks for me" she bellowed.

"Whatever" replied Chas over her shoulder too preoccupied with Charity.

"Come on mother" she hustled Faith out of the door leaving her drink on the bar.

The door to Jacobs Fold was open as Chas and Faith walked in. Vanessa was sat rocking on the sofa her eyes red with crying.

"I've tried calling her Chas she's not answering"

"You know Charity love, she has to process it in her head before she will speak"

Vanessa looked at Faith.

"Is it true? In the letter it said you can confirm it."

Faith nodded her head slowly.

"Why didn't you say something?" Cried Vanessa.

"Because it's not my business love. Kathleen contacted me about a month ago and I was as shocked as you are. She said she wanted to speak to Charity that she had things she needed to say. I told her no good would come of it. I didn't want to get dragged into it"

"A month ago! Faith you could have told me I'd have been prepared and could have spoken to Charity rather than her find out like this. She didn't even read the whole letter. I thought Kathleen died of cancer."

"So did we all love but apparently she faked her own suicide and ran off to Spain."

"Spain? Oh my god...she spoke to me the other day in the park. She said she comes to the vets with her dog but she was interested in Moses. She said her husband died recently and in the letter says her partner. She told me she lived in Spain but was looking to buy property here for the summer. It was Kathleen...it must have been. She left quickly I thought she was upset about her husband but no she saw Charity coming...oh my god"

" Yep she's been around the village, she's seen Charity from a distance. She knows who you are love."

Vanessa tried Charity again but it just rang out.

"Is there anywhere you know that she would go?" Asked Chas.

"No nowhere I can think of. What about her dads? Surely she wouldn't go there would she?"

"Right lets just drive see if we can see her car anywhere. I'll drive you're in no fit state love, you can keep trying her on the phone."

Chas and Vanessa left in the car and headed in the direction Charity went.

"Chas what if she takes a drink?"

"We don't know yet love. I know she's vulnerable but maybe she thinks she won't let Kathleen mess her life up again. I know, I know I'm clutching at straws. I know she's high risk of relapse right now. I just don't want to think about it after what we all went through last time. She'll be okay love."

Vanessa tried Charity again but no answer.

Vanessa wouldn't normally call someone so late but she knew Nikki would be there for Charity straight away. She had given them her personal number a few months back as she no longer sees Charity as hee counsellor but as her sponsor knowing Charity was committed to her recovery.

It was now 11.30 pm. Vanessa didn't want to call but she needed help and so did Charity.

Vanessa hit the call button and the phone rang out, she was about to hang up when she heard Nikki's voice.

"Vanessa are you okay?"

Vanessa quickly explained what had happened. She heard Nikki take a deep breath in "shit" she said.

"I'll try calling her she might pick up eventually, you keep trying. Just stay calm and don't think the worst. Charity has done so well she's always been so determined. I'll call you as soon as I hear anything and vice versa."

"Thanks Nikki I'm so sorry to call you so late."

"Vanessa I'm glad you did."

"Bye" sniffled Vanessa.

"Bye"

Charity sat alone in her car and stared into the darkness. She could see the tide ebb and flow as she watched. A bottle of whiskey lay on the seat next to her unopened.  
She just wanted to forget and yet she had driven to the beach where Obadiah had taken her as a child every day that summer. The beach that she had enjoyed thinking he loved her but had viciously told her a few years ago that he had only taken her as there was no one to have her and he was searching for Kathleens body.  
She had told herself when she stopped at the shop that it was only for tonight. That's why she chose whiskey because whiskey was not her choice before. Vodka would mean a relapse but whiskey was just for now. Her mind was so confused she failed to recognise the thinking of the alcoholic, the lies, the excuse, the denial.  
She was conversing with herself in her head 'Yeah Vodkas a relapse, whiskey is just for now to numb the pain. Whiskeys not my choice if I was going to relaspe I'd have chosen the vodka. Hang on whiskey is alcohol, why am I doing this? I don't have to do this...but I want to do this...just for tonight..it will help....it hurts inside...I just want the pain to go...I just want to forget. I stopped before I can stop again. I can take it or leave it now...it's just this once. They (Kathleen and Obadiah) made me do this'.

Her phone buzzed beside her Nikki's name flashed up on screen. Charity had an impluse to answer it but stopped. If she answered it Nikki would talk her out of what she is about to do. She wasn't sure she wanted to be talked out of it, wait...yes she did because she didn't want to do it, didn't want to throw away a years sobriety. But what was one night? One night is a one off it doesn't mean she'll carry on. Charity slammed her palms on the steering wheel and let out a scream.

Her phone buzzed again beside her. This time it was Vanessas name that flashed up. 'Poor Vanessa she thought, beautiful Vanessa. She didn't deserve this, she doesn't deserve this.' Charity turned her phone face down so she couldn't see Vanessa's name or picture, the guilt Charity felt by seeing them was too much, it's easier not to see. It's much easier not to see or to think or to feel.  
She opened the car door and got out taking the whiskey with her and leaving her phone.

She walked towards the water, she loved the sound of the sea. It raged like she did, spewing itself up on the beach and dragging into its depth the loose pebbles and sand tossing them wherever dragging them in and throwing them away. Just like Obadiah and Kathleen pushing and pulling her, tossing her aside. She could never be free of them, she took a deep breath and screamed into the wind "well tonight I can" frantically unscrewing the top of the bottle, crying as she raised it to her lips.


	3. Chapter 3

"Fuck...fuck what am I doing?" screwing the lid back on she stormed back to the car.

As she opened the door her eyes fell to her phone. She turned it over, a text notification flashes up from Nikki. She opened the message..  
Charity we don't have to talk but please pick up when I call. We can sit in silence on the line just don't be alone, you are not alone in this. You're stronger than this xx

Charitys head fell forward on the steering wheel as she cried, she had no strength left to fight.

Her phone buzzed it was Vanessa, she let it ring out.  
It buzzed again and Nikki's name appeared. Charity picked up her phone, she stared at it in her hand and slowly her thumb hovered over the screen. Before thinking anymore her thumb slid across and accepted the call.  
She didn't speak but she let out a breath of relief knowing she wasn't alone. She held the phone to her ear and eventually spoke.

"I nearly did it Nikki I came so close"

"But you didn't?" Nikki asked.

"No"

"Then that's brilliant Charity"

"Is it?" she scoffed.

"Yes, yes it is."

"Vanessa called I take it"

"She did she's really worried"

"She doesn't deserve this"

"Neither do you"

Nikki was texting Vanessa off her work mobile...  
I've got her on the line, talking now. Don't know yet where she is. She's okay so far. I'm going to talk her through some stuff. Don't worry. I'll get back to you shortly xx...

"She told you about the letter?"

"Yeah that's big stuff Charity"

"I still think it's some sick joke, someone getting revenge on me for something I've done in the past"

" maybe or maybe not"

Charity cried.

"I'm going to stay on the line Charity. I might go quiet but I'm here, I'm with you and when you want to talk I'll still be here ready to listen"

Charity nodded her head as she couldn't find the words and although Nikki couldn't see her she knew Charity understood.

After a long silence Charity finally spoke.

"I bought a bottle of whiskey"

Nikki just listened.

"It's here beside me"

"And what are you going to do with it Charity?"

"I don't know......why now after 40 odd years?"

"This isn't about your mum right now...this is about that bottle next to you, that's what consumes you now."

"I just want to forget Nikki, it hurts"

"But it's still going to hurt tomorrow except it will hurt more with a hangover...so you have some more to escape the pain and before you know it you're back on the hamster wheel."

"It doesn't mean I'll stay on it. Just tonight Nikki it's not going to make a big dent in my life" Charity sighed "I just want it to stop"

"What do you want to stop Charity?"

"It hurts inside...why did she leave me? Why did she leave me with me dad? I was just a kid"

"I don't know Charity...only your mum can answer that"

"There's no way I'm ever letting her back into my life. She lost that right when she left me."

"You're angry right now Charity....where are you?"

Charity scoffed "I'm at the beach where me dad took me every day that summer. I thought he loved me but it turned out there was no one to have me and he was looking for me mums body."

" Can I come and meet you there?"

"No it's late and I just want to be on my own"

"Do you think it's helpful for your recovery to be alone?"

"Look Nikki I appreciate your concern but right now I don't want advice I just want to forget"

Nikki was messaging Vanessa as they were talking..  
The beach where her dad took her. x

"Stay with me Charity. I think the reason why you haven't took a drink yet and the reason you answered my call is because you really don't want to drink. You want to forget and you want the pain to stop but I don't think you really want to drink."

"I'm scared"

"I know...and I know you're looking for permission to drink just for tonight but I'm not going to give you that Charity. You see, I know what that will do to you. You're an alcoholic. Remember for you one drink is too many and a thousand is never enough. Don't throw it all away, Vanessa, the kids, your life just because your mother decides to show up. She doesn't dictate your life, you decide. 

"I don't want to talk anymore"

"That's okay but will you stay on the line with me?"

"I'm going, I'm done talking"

"We don't have to talk, I"ll just stay on the line in silence"

"It's late, you should go"

"Charity please don't push me away"

Vanessa and Chas were driving the coast looking for Charitys car. They didn't know the location, the only thing they knew was to start in the local area and go further out, along the coast looking for her.  
Vanessas phone lit up, a text from Nikki...

Any luck? I can't hold her on the line much longer. I'm losing her. .you need to find her quickly...sorry xx

"Shit, Nikki said she's losing her we need to find her quick."

"She can't be too far now"

They continued driving in silence straining to see her car.

"There Chas it's her car! Go back"

Chas turned the car and they pulled into the empty car park except for Charitys car.  
Charity was sitting in the drivers seat her head on the steering wheel. Chas pulled up behind her to block a quick exit. When Charity saw the lights behind her and heard the car she felt the adrenalin and her senses heighten to fight or flight.  
Then she heard Vanessa's voice.

"Charity it's me, you're okay"

Vanessa opened the car door "it's okay I'm here, I've got you"

Nikki heard Vanessa's voice at the other end with Charity, she let out a huge sigh of relief and hung up the call. She will catch up with Charity tomorrow. It had been so close, there was much to talk about, so much for Charity to.process. Nikki remembers her own near misses and the fear that follows when you realise how easy it is to slip back into the abyss.

Chas had gotten out of the car and opened the passenger side. She lifted the whiskey off the seat and unscrewed the cap pouring the contents on the ground.

Charity was quiet, she was exhausted and in shock. Vanessa helped her out of the car and round to the passenger side. She sat her in the seat and fastened her seat belt. She then got into the drivers seat and followed Chas home.

Returning to Jacobs Fold Faith was still sitting in the lounge waiting for them.   
She stood up quickly as they walked in.

"I swear love I didn't know until she contacted me."

Chartiy looked confused and Vanessa behind her shook her head at Faith.

"Come on mother, home." Chas said with a warning look.

As Chas and Faith were leaving Chas turned to Vanessa "are you sure you'll be alright love?"

Vanessa nodded "yeah thanks" in almost a whisper.

Charity leant on the kitchen worktop her head in her hands completely exhausted.

Vanessa stood behind her and put her arms around her waist leaning her cheek on her back.  
Charity turned into the embrace and put her arms around Vanessa holding her tight.

"I love you so much" Charitys voice was breaking.

"I know and I love you too"

"I came so close Ness." She cried.

"I know...but you didn't relapse did you, that took strength Charity."

"I wanted to though, I wanted to stop the pain, I wanted to stop my head it was going round and round and I couldn't switch it off. I just wanted to forget. I'm sorry"

"Hey" Vanessa soothed her "you've nothing to be sorry for. What happened was a massive shock for you and you just wanted to escape. If you really didn't want help and to take a drink you wouldn't have picked up when Nikki called"

"I couldn't speak to you babe, I felt so guilty and a failure struggling like I was."

"Charity it's okay. I called Nikki because I knew if anyone could reach you she would, she's been there too she understands and I know you know that. I'm just glad you could talk to someone."

"Thank you for coming...to get me"

"I would have searched the whole night, thankfully Nikki bought us some time and was able to find out roughly where you were."

"I'm tired...I can't believe this is happening Ness. Why now?"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No and yes."

"Okay let's talk and if it gets too much we can stop."

Charity nodded her head. They went across and sat on the sofa angled toward each other their knees touching. Vanessa picked the letter up off the coffee table.

"You ready."

Charity nodded. She took the letter in her hands and read it completely. When she had finished she let it drop in the space between them.

"So Faith knew"

"About a month ago she said. She said she told Kathleen that she wanted no part in it that she would have to sort it with you and that no good would come of it. I can understand Faith not wanting to get involved but at the same time if she had of at least told me I could have been prepared or broke it gently to you rather than the shock of a letter."

"I don't understand, why now?"

"I guess losing her partner has made her want to tell you. Like she says in the letter, maybe there are things you have a right to know. I mean did she have any more children? You could have brothers or sisters out there..  
Charity....I think...I've met her."

"What!"

"The day I was in the park with the kids the woman who stopped and spoke to me, she said she was a customer at the vets. She talked to Moses and to be honest her lingering gaze on him when she was going unnerved me a bit. I thought it was me since the incident with Pierce being hypervigilant. She looked uncomfortable when she told me her husband had died but really she saw you coming that's probably why she looked uncomfortable. She said she was looking for property here to spend summer and then go back to Spain for winter."

"What! How dare she approach Moses. Sneaking around the village!" Charity was furious.

"Faith confirmed she has been in the village, she has seen you from afar and knows who I am."

Charity just stared trying to take it all in.

"Charity....I think for your sake you need to hear her out. Even if you meet her once and hear what she has to say and then have no more contact. If you don't you'll always have unanswered questions."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm tired."

"Okay...lets go to bed."

Charity lay in bed staring at the ceiling, Vanessa was curled into her side. Charity eventually turned on her side away from Vanessa and stared at the wall while Vanessa repositioned and spooned her holding her close. Finally she succumbed to exhaustion and drifted off into a troubled sleep.

Charity woke feeling like she was hungover, she felt Vanessa stir beside her.

"Morning" Vanessa croaked.

"Morning" answered Charity barely audible.

"How you feeling?"

"Hungover to be honest" Charity laughed ironically. "Might as well of sunk that bloody whiskey."

"You don't mean that" Vanessa said as she kissed her.

Charity picked up her phone from the bedside table. There was a text from Nikki.

"Nikki's coming over this morning" Charity sighed. 

"It will be good for you to talk through some stuff or not talk just spend time with Nikki."

"It's all just a big mess."

"Well maybe Nikki can help you untangle it and get your head straight."

Charity cuddled in to Vanessa and Vanessa wrapped her arms around her.

"I love you Ness."

"I love you too..now what duties do you want? Breakfasts or waking and dressing the boys? She smiled.

"I don't have the energy for either babe."

"Okay I'll take waking and dressing, you can do the breakfasts and brew." With that Vanessa popped a kiss on Charitys head and got out of bed Charity reluctantly following.


	4. Chapter 4

Chas called in to Jacobs Fold shortly after Vanessa had gone to work. Charity knew they were arranging their morning behind her back. She couldn't be angry at them she knew they were looking out for her making sure she wasn't alone for long periods. The old feelings of not being trusted resurfaced and she didn't like that. It had taken so long to feel that those around her trusted her but then if she was completely honest right now she was having trouble trusting herself after last nights performance.

"Don't worry love I'm not here to talk you'll be doing enough of that. I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I know and I appreciate it Chas...thanks.... for coming last night."

"It's fine love, glad we found you. I left Mandy in charge of the bar though so she probably drank this months profits."

"At least it wasn't me" said Charity giving a nervous laugh.

It was near 10 am when there was a knock at the door. Charity opened it to find Nikki standing there, she dropped her eyes feeling ashamed.

"You gonna leave me on the doorstep? Come on girl get the kettle on I'm parched and less of the shameful expressions I've been there, done that, worn the t-shirt and then ripped the bloody thing off again." Nikki laughed and stepped forward "I know you're not a hugger Charity but you're not walking away from this one." Nikki put her arms around her and gave her a tight embrace then parted slapping her on the back and saying " go on get the kettle on."

Chas stood up "er I'll get goin."

"Nikki this is my cousin Chas."

"Ahh Chas great to meet you at last. You've been really supportive to Charity. She's lucky to have you around."

"Okay enough now or I won't hear the last of it" Charity quipped.

"You certainly won't " smiled Chas as she excused herself and left "nice to meet you Nikki. I'd ask you to drop in the pub for a pint but inappropriate maybe...tell you what lunch is on me at the Wooly."

"Ooo I'll take you up on that..Charity you up for that?"

"Yeah."

Charity brought their coffee over and sat down with a big sigh.

"Charity you had a close call, call it what it was and move on. You didn't relapse, infact under the circumstances I think you done amazing. So pat yourself on the back and move on. God if saw it as a failure every time I had a close call I wouldn't be sitting here with you now."

"Did you ever relapse?"

"Once or twice but I got help quickly and tried again. The close calls become less and you live it one day at a time. Now the big issue is not your close call, that was a wake up and a reminder never to get complacent in your recovery and to always work on your new coping mechanisms rather than reverting to your old ones. The big issue is this news you got about your mum, so what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know..Ness thinks I should meet her or I might regret it because I'll always have unanswered questions."

"True but it has to be your decision. At the moment you're angry and with reason."

"It's bad enough that she abandoned me and all the shit that followed. My life was a car crash and none of it would have happened if she hadn't left me."

" Rejection is extremely harmful especially at such a young age and the truth is if you have a root of rejection you will always percieve things wrongly. You start to believe that you're no good, not worthy of love and so you start to act out and build walls. The only way to stop being hurt is to keep people out, strike others before they strike you, you learn to protect yourself. Sadly you make yourself unlovable and so the cycle goes on."

"My own mother though! I mean she didn't just leave me she wanted me to think she was dead! So why now after all these years suddenly decide to crawl out from the rock she's been hiding under?"

"Only she can answer that and maybe that's what she wants...to give you answers."

"She could have just carried on letting me think she was dead. I'd have gotten on with my life, my life is good now with Ness and my kids. I don't need her, whatever her reason for coming back it's selfish it's for her to ease her own conscience."

"The fact is she has contacted you and you know she's out there. Can you go through the rest of your life knowing that without getting answers? I mean..you must have questions."

"Course I do but I don't want to give her satisfaction of salving her own conscience or letting her think I need her."

"Why would she think you need her?"

"Because she's the only one who can give me the answers."

"Then if you want to have answers it seems you have no choice but to meet her."

"God I hate this." Charity sat with her head in her hands.

They enjoyed lunch at the Woolpack, Charity promised to call Nikki in the next few days to update her. She felt much better having spoke with her, less shame for what she had nearly done the previous night and also had more clarity on what she intended to do with regards to Kathleen. 

After the emotional exhaustion of the night before and the lack of sleep Charity and Vanessa decided on an early night.  
Sitting up in bed Charity spoke.

"I'm going to meet her Ness."

"Okay....when?"

"As soon as possible. I want answers and only Kathleen can give me them."

"Where will you meet?"

"Not here....I don't want her in our home. She's not part of our lives and I don't want her to think I'm inviting her in, this is purely for answers."

"Away from the village?"

"I think maybe the park where I first met Ryan. Ironic really...the place I met my child that I abandoned."

"Charity that was completely different. You were 14 years old and you didn't think he survived, you were scared and alone. She held you as a baby and watched you grow into a toddler, she made the choice to walk away, she obviously had her reasons but she was an adult, a mother she had a family. You didn't."

" I made so many mistakes with my kids Ness but I never stopped loving them."

"I know."

Charity picked up the letter. She slowly typed a message short and to the point naming the meeting place and time nothing more.

Almost immediately a repy came 'I'll be there, Kathleen'

The adrenalin surged through Charity "Ness will you come with me? I mean not to meet her but just be there from a distance. I don't think I can go alone."

"Course I will."

Charity turned off the lamp and snuggled into Vanessa, she kissed her softly. Vanessa responded searching for Charitys lips seeking her out as Charitys lips fluttered against hers. The kisses became more urgent as Charitys hand moved across Vanessas flesh and she turned raising herself onto her elbows covering Vanessa body with hers, skin touching skin. She needed this, she needed Vanessa, needed to feel wanted, loved and desired. Vanessa knew what she needed and exactly how to give her that.


	5. Chapter 5

The morning of the meeting with Kathleen came. Charity woke from a broken sleep, she had woken almost every hour and had been downstairs for a smoke around 3am. She'd been back on the smokes for the past few days..a stress reliever she called it but Vanessa said on more than one occassion she was sure there were other things to relieve stress. She wasn't impressed when Charity had quickly retorted that Vanessa wasn't always available so the smokes would have to do.

Charity had been very edgy and increasingly snarky which hadn't gone unnoticed. It had annoyed Vanessa no end as she noticed a marked increase in people asking her was she herself okay! They didn't ask about Charitys wellbeing but assumed as usual that Charity was a piece of work despite her progress the past year and lovely Vanessa was hard done by in their relationship. It still amazes her how quick they are to judge Charity. Of course it didn't help that Charity didn't disclose her pain but then why should she have to explain herself to anyone. 

"Morning georgous" said Vanessa as she woke.

"Hm morning" came a slightly grumpy answer.

"You were up through the night"

"Yeah couldn't really sleep"

"I can sort the kids out if you want to try and get a few more hours"

"Nah I won't sleep. I'll go and make a brew and sort the breakfasts out."

"And pop out for some fresh air while you're at it?"

"Don't start Ness my nerves are on edge, smoking helps."

"I'm available...for maybe 5 minutes" smirked Vanessa.

Charity scoffed.

"Well that's how long your smoke lasts! What's the difference?"

"It's never 5 minutes with you babe and I'm sure we'll have an audience followed by a million questions when the kids burst through the door. I mean you still die of shame about the time Moses told Tracey we were playing hide and seek in the bedroom, he said you were in bed shouting "Charity I'm coming" and I was hiding under the duvet."

"Urgh don't remind me" Vanessa groaned as she felt a surge of embarrassment yet again.

Charity got up and threw her old joggers and jumper on.

"I'll see you downstairs"

Vanessa wanted to make her feel better but she knew nothing could, not this morning. I mean how are you supposed to feel going to meet your mother who had faked her own suicide and had been presumed dead for the last 40 years! Vanessa had been shocked that Charity knew the part about the suicide, she had never told her what Obadiah had revealed she said she hadn't seen the point of mentioning it. Her mum was gone it didn't matter how, it wasn't going to change anything. Cancer, suicide she was gone and that was that. She was worried what the meeting would do to Charity. What was Kathleen going to tell her?  
Vanessa pushed the thoughts away and got up to see to the boys.

Once the boys were dressed they made their way downstairs, she called Noah on the way making sure he was up.

"It's all ready for them. I'm going up to shower babe"

"Okay...I can take them on my own if you want?"

"No I need to have something to do my head's battered. I need the distraction."

Noah flew down the stairs and grabbed some toast. He threw a banana in his bag.

"See you later" he called on his way out the door.

"Bye Noah" Vanessa called after him.

She sat down and drank her brew idly chewing on a piece of toast deep in thought.

Once the boys were in school they had some time to kill before going to meet Kathleen. They headed back to Jacobs Fold.

Charity was pacing she couldn't sit still.

"I could really do with a drink right now" she said nervously.

"Cup of tea and a smoke?"

Vanessa made a brew and they both went outside.

"Urgh I wish this was over"

"I know but this is your mum Charity. This is a chance to meet her and get some answers. When my dad"

"Don't" Charity said with force raising her finger and cutting Vanessa off midsentence "this is different she let me think she was dead. Whatever your dad done he never done that."

Vanessa could of kicked herself.

"Sorry"

"Look I know you mean well but what happened to me because she decided to run off to Spain and have a new life I can't forgive her for that." Charity became increasingly angry "I had no one Ness no one. All my dad did to me, he took it all out on me. No wonder I grabbed any attention that was given and ended up pregnant. You have no idea what that felt like..... I was so scared. I didn't even know what was happening and then to have Debbie taken away. Me dad kicking me out and having to do things with disgusting men only to be given hope by Bails and then he uses me as a sex slave for him and his mates! Ryan dying or so I thought. None of that would have happened if she hadn't of ran off into the sunset to a better life." Charitys high pitched rant was littered with sobs.  
"And I really don't want to cry in front of her. She means nothing to me"

Vanessa didn't know what to say so she said nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing but moved toward Charity and rubbed her back to comfort her.

"I'm sorry Ness..... don't fuss me it makes it harder not to cry."

"Sure"

Vanessa felt awkward and helpless but she knew Charity had to deal with this her own way and that was to build her walls before meeting Kathleen.

They hardly spoke for the next few hours...time ticked on, both clock watching. Charity exhaled loudly and nervously.

"Shall we go?" She asked Vanessa but it was more of a statement than a question.

"Okay"

They left Jacobs Fold, Charity locked the house up she felt like she had bricks in her stomach and like she needed the toilet. 

"Wait I need the toilet" she went back in and had a movement laughing nervously to herself thinking of the expressions people use 'shitting a brick' 'shitting myself' she laughed because they're true. Then she realised how ridiculous she was laughing at something so trivial given the magnitude of the situation she was facing. 

"Charity are you okay?" Vanessa had gone back in the house and was shouting up the stairs.

"Yeah I'm coming now."

Finally they were on the way to meet Kathleen.

After a while Charity spoke.

"I could do with a few shots of dutch courage babe."

"Sorry that's not really an option for you."

"Urgh feel like I need to poo again."

"I thought you'd been?"

"I'm nervous Vanessa!"

"Oh..sorry...do you want me to stop somewhere?"

"No it's just nerves...arrgh I don't know if I can do this."

"Charity she's going to be really nervous too."

"I don't give a shit if she's nervous she should be...she's the one who caused all this swanning off into the sunset." Charity shrieked.

"Look we can turn back if you want...if you don't feel like you can do this...maybe communicate by letter or something."

"No I've got to do this."

They reached their destination and parked up.

"I said 11:30 its 11:15 let's sit here I'm not gonna be early for her" Charity exhaled loudly "I'm havin a smoke"

She got out and lit up, Vanessa got out and stood with her.

"Where do you want me to stay?"

"Just where I can see you."

"Okay"

They stood awhile longer not saying anything until Vanessa broke the silence.

"Ready?"

Charity nodded and they walked together toward the meeting place.

As they walked on they saw a lone figure in the distance sitting on the bench.

Charity took a sharp intake of breath and hesitated.

"You okay?" asked Vanessa.

"Yeah" Charity answered in barely a whisper.

"I'll stay here, I'll keep an eye and make sure you're okay. You can do this Charity...you're amazing." 

Vanessa took hold of both her hands squeezing them as she kissed her.

"I'll be right here."

"Thanks babes...I guess this is it" as she took a deep breath and walked toward the woman who had given birth to her.


	6. Chapter 6

As Charity approached, Kathleen stood to her feet. Charity kept walking mentally building her walls composing herself to keep a lid on her emotions.

Finally she reached her and stood face to face with her mother.

Kathleen's expression was a half smile half cry "you're so beautiful."

"I'm sure you didn't come all the way here to tell me that so get on with it" said Charity abruptly.

A sob escaped Kathleen that she tried desperately to catch with her hand. Her face riddled with pain.

"Oh spare me the tears."

"Charity....I'm....so....sorry" she cried shaking her head.

"What bit are you sorry about? Abandoning me as a kid? Letting me think you were dead? For leaving me to be physically and mentally abused by me dad?"

"I thought he'd take care of you. He doted on you. Everything was about you, it was my little Charity, this is my girl, my daughter. I couldn't say a word to you he'd tell me 'leave the child alone' he adored you."

"Oh yeah! Well funny that because I don't remember it quite like that. He told me you died of cancer."

"Sounds like the kind of stupid thing Obadiah would do."

"Excuse me! The kind of stupid thing Obadiah would do? Not as stupid as faking your own suicide and abandoning your kid!"

"I guess I always hoped you'd try to find me."

"Try to find you? You were dead as far as I knew."

"But with no body I thought there would always be hope in your heart.I didn't think he'd say I died of cancer but that's your father lies and more lies.

" Oh do me a favour."

"I couldn't stay Charity he would have killed me."

"Oh pity...no he just took it all out on me instead."

"He wasn't always like that Charity. When we were courtin he was gentle and kind and I loved him. When we got married it all changed, he became mad with jealousy and for no reason. He questioned my every move, started drinking heavily and then the violence...."

"Oh so you thought, I know, I'll run off into the sunset and leave my daughter with him so he still has a punchbag."

"Charity..."

"Have you any idea what my life has been like? Oh wait...yeah Faiths probably filled you in."

"She told me some" Kathleen dropped her gaze to the ground.

"Oh so there you go you know the sordid details and you've explained your reason for leaving, you were tired of being a punchbag and scared he'd kill you. Yeah well, thanks for the explanation makes me feel so much better. So go on you can go now." Charity got up and went to leave.

"Charity...wait"

Charity turned and glared at her.

"You have a sister."

Charity rolled her eyes and gave a mock laugh.

"Oh this just gets better...not only did you leave me you had another daughter to replace the one you left. Good for you."

"No Charity that's not true"

"So come on then, what is the truth Kathleen? So far I've had no answers from you just excuses."

"Charity you're not my first child."

Charitys face dropped as disbelief spread across her features.

"I had a child, I became pregnant shortly after we were married. Obadiah for some reason got it into his head that I was having an affair. He swore the baby wasn't his but I knew I hadn't been with anyone else."

"So what happened then to..this..child" Charity threw her arms in the air as she asked the question.

"It started during the pregnancy and then when I had her it was 'the bastard this and the bastard that' he wouldn't even call her by her name. He told me that bastard can't stay under his roof reminding him constantly of my sin. That's when the beatings started. There was no reasoning with him, he convinced himself that she wasn't his. One night I was nursing her, I'd put her down to sleep and turned to see him in the doorway. He flew at me his hand around my throat choking me until I passed out. I could hear her crying as I lost consiousness and prayed he wouldn't hurt her too. He didn't but I was so scared that he might.   
A few days later I took a pregnancy test, I already knew but it was confirmed. You were concieved 6 months after I gave birth to Ria.

Charitys head whipped around to look at Kathleen.

"Ria? Ria's my sister?" Charity started to break but gritted her teeth and steeled herself. She felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach.

"you remember her?  
I used to take you there to play together at Ezra and Pollys. I wanted you to know each other. Obadiah allowed me to go out when you were with me. You remember I'd take you on the train and tell you that you musn't tell dad.  
I didn't want to leave her there but Obadiah wouldn't let her stay with us. He wanted you from the moment he found out I was pregnant with you. He restricted me on where I could go and who with always checking up on me. He said at least he knew you were his.  
I knew Polly was a good soul, she had 3 boys and had been desperate for a girl."

"Yeah and one of them boys abused her repeatedly after Polly died, she ran away and turned to prostitution to feed her drug habit.Well done Kathleen another great choice you made that ruined someones life."

The look that flashed across Kathleens face told Charity that she had no idea. She thought Kathleen was going to crumble as she gasped for breath. Kathleen's top lip curled as she looked Charity straight in the eyes.

"You're just like your father......cruel, heartless and cold" she hissed "I should have listened to Faith, she said no good would come of it.(Kathleen scoffed) Yeah you're Obadiahs daughter alright there's no mistaking that"

Charity felt a stab of guilt for blurting out about Ria's abuse, Kathleen had looked like she'd had all the wind sucked out of her. Charitys guilt was soon replaced with anger.

"Don't compare me to that disgusting excuse of a man ever again. Goodbye Kathleen sorry you didn't get to absolve your conscience." Charity sneered

Kathleen sat down on the bench with her head in her hands and cried.

Charity turned her back on Kathleen and proceeded to walk where Vanessa was waiting. With each step she could feel the bitterness and anger crawling into the crevices of her heart again. She felt sick and wanted to distance herself as far as she could from Kathleens words.

Vanessa stood up as Charity got closer.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Never better" came the abrupt reply.

They reached the car, Charity lit up a smoke taking a deep drag and exhaling slowly to calm herself.

"How was it?" asked Vanessa.

"learnt nothing new, she couldn't put up with me dad any longer so she faked her own death and ran off to Spain." Charitys response was cold.

"What about family? Did she have any more children?" 

"There's nothing more to talk about Vanessa!" Charity said with a raised voice.

Vanessa knew by Charitys tone when she used her full name that it was a conversation she didn't want pursuing.  
Vanessa wondered what Kathleen had said, whatever is was it had definately impacted and rattled Charity and although Vanessa couldn't hear their exchange from what she had seen it was Kathleen who was left broken.


	7. Chapter 7

The journey home in the car was in silence. Vanessa felt uneasy and was desperate to find out more from Charity but she knew Charity was going through things in her own head and clearly didn't want to talk. She decided to try again later to get her to open up.

When they returned home Charity said she was going to a meeting. Vanessa gave her a hug which was loosely returned, she seemed so dejected that Vanessa didn't want to let her go. At least she had opted for a group meeting which was a positive choice. 

"What time's the meeting?"

"6 at St Marys."

"What time will you be home?"

"I don't know."

"Okay I'll keep food for you, you can heat it when you get in"

"I'm going to go and lie down for a bit."

"I'll start dinner and pick up the boys."

Charity walked upstairs and entered the bedroom. She sat on the bed staring at nothing. She was in disbelief that she had met her mother, devastated that the meeting was so harsh and cold but then that was her doing. She beat herself up for being so cruel but then the anger returned. Anger at Kathleen for doing what she had done, anger at her for returning and anger for what she has told her about Ria. She felt the anger coarsing through her veins with nowhere to go, she undressed, wrapped a towel around herself and went to the shower.  
She turned on the shower to full heat, dropped the towel and stood under the water. She had no intention of going to St Marys she just wanted to be alone. 

She stood under the water letting it cascade over her willing it to wash away the shame that weighed her down. How dare Kathleen show up and walk back in her life trying to make amends. 'Things she had a right to know' she laughed bitterly to herself. Kathleen had opened up a whole new can of worms that Charity was just not ready to deal with.

She stepped out of the shower feeling just as mucky as when she went in. Walking to the bedroom she sat down to dry her hair.

Vanessa came in "I've brought you a brew"

"Thanks" she answered quietly.

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"Nothing to talk about babe"

"Will you see her again?"

"Hopefully she'll go back to her nice life in the sun now she's wrecked mine"

"Wrecked yours? How?"

"Nothing"

"Charity you can talk to me....something has obviously upset you...we can work through it"

"Her coming back upset me. She's gone now that's the end of it."

Charity went back to drying her hair. Vanessa left and went back downstairs. 

She lay down on the bed staring at the ceiling thinking, thinking,thinking. She turned on her side just wanting to turn her mind off but she couldn't.

Vanessa came upstairs again "I'm going to get the boys. I might pop in to Traceys or would you rather I came straight home?"

"No call in and see Tracey, I'll just be sleeping babe."

Vanessa bent down and kissed her on the head.

"I might be gone when you get back. So see you later"

"Okay"

Vanessa collected the boys from school and went to see Tracey. She asked her to watch them so she could nip out for a while.  
Vanessa headed to the Woolpack to see Chas who covering in the bar but it was quiet afternoon.

"Hiya love you okay?'

"Yeah not bad, you?"

"Alright bit bored it's a quiet afternoon. How did it go with Charity and her mum?"

"Don't let Charity hear you calling Kathleen her mum, it's Kathleen."

"Oh that bad?"

"Worse...I don't know what they spoke about but Charity is clearly rattled but she won't talk to me about it."

"Is she talking at all?"

"Not really it's like she's withdrawn. She's going to a meeting at St Marys."

"12 step meeting?"

"Yeah"

"Maybe she'll process it in her head and after the meeting she might be ready to talk"

"Yeah, Chas if she comes over or if you see her can you try and get her to open up?"

"I'll try love but if she's not talking to you I doubt very much she'll open up to me."

"Hmm could be family stuff I'm thinking."

"Don't think too much love, when she's ready she'll talk."

Vanessa went back to Traceys to pick up the boys. When they got to Jacobs Fold Charity was already gone.  
The boys were disappointed, Charity was always there for them and this change in routine upset them resulting in them playing up for most of the evening.  
Vanessa felt strangely lonely.

Charity had left Jacobs Fold shortly after Vanessa, she headed toward Bradford without really knowing why.  
Soon she was among familiar yet unfamiliar surroundings as so much had changed. She drove until she found the street and pulled up opposite a modern refurbished family home. It looks so different now she thought to herself.  
She looked at the upstairs window knowing everything that went on in that house. This was the house she almost ended her life in.  
It's all so different but in her head it was all still there replaying over and over again.  
Why did she come here? Haunting herself, did she really think this would help? Charity laughed to herself in disbelief as her eyes filled with tears. She steeled herself and pushed it all back down determined to just swallow the pain and push it away.

This was the last place she had seen Ria "oh god if I'd of just known" she cried out.  
She checked the time, Vanessa would be worried by the time shd got home.  
She got out the car and went into the shop to buy smokes. As she entered the shop and stood at the counter waiting to be served her eyes fell on the spirits behind the assistant. Anticipation warmed her stomach as she unconsciously licked her lips.  
'No I can't Vanessa will see the transaction and she will know I was in Bradford' she thought to herself. She had £10 cash on her and needed to make a decision.

Charity walked out of the shop feeling good. She had a pack of smokes in her pocket and a back up plan just incase.

As she passed through Hotton she stopped and made a cash withdrawal. She was still telling herself she wasn't going to do it as she walked into the shop. As she was standing at the counter she was still convincing herself and then she opened her mouth.

"Can I have the quart of Vodka please" 'it's just a little nip to help me sleep and switch off my brain' she thought to herself.  
Oh.... she was so so convincing she actually believed what she was telling herself...it's just for tonight and just a quart and I don't need it all...couple of swigs will set me up right.

She really wished she'd text Vanessa earlier to say she had gone out with friends after the meeting but it was too late now. She hoped Vanessa was not waiting up for her wanting to talk again.

After a while she started to feel the warm fuzzies of the vodka. It was enough for now.  
She stashed the remainder in the spare tyre compartment and drove the rest of the way home. On arriving home she had a smoke out back, Vanessa was in bed but the bedroom light was on.  
As she made her way upstairs and into the bedroom Vanessa was sitting up reading a book.

"Hey how was your meeting?" She asked softly.

"Yeah it was okay" Charity replied picking up her toothbrush and heading off to brush her teeth.

Charity started to feel a bit paranoid...did Vanessa know? She seemed a bit distant....I'm just tired she thought.

She headed back into the bedroom undressing and getting into bed, she kissed Vanessa and lay down on her side her back towards her.  
Vanessa switched off the lamp and lay down reaching her arm around Charitys waist, kissing her neck and spooning her, pushing her hips into Charity searching for intimacy. She felt Charity tense.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing I'm just tired babe"

"sorry...night."

"Night"

Vanessa lay feeling rejected and lonely...there was definately a barrier emotionally but also physically...no this did not bode well at all.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning Charity woke, Vanessa was still sleeping. She went downstairs to smoke and make a brew. She felt a stab of guilt about taking a drink the night before but pushed it aside as it hadn't seemed to affect her much. Charity was quite pleased she was able to only take a number of swigs before choosing to stop, she felt pleased that she had control and it helped calm her thoughts.  
She'd go to the centre today and stay on track.

She went back inside and made a brew for Vanessa, she took it upstairs and woke her gently.

"Morning babes"

"Hm morning" answered Vanessa sleepily.

"Made you a brew. I'll get the boys up now and get them ready"

"They missed you last night. Both were little buggers all night playing up."

"Sorry babes. I'll take them to school and then I'm going to Hotton to the centre. I'll catch up with Nikki and there's a group on this afternoon. I'll be back for the boys finishing school." She kissed Vanessa on the head and left the bedroom.

Vanessa felt reassured and sunk back into her pillow before throwing the duvet back and getting out of bed and going downstairs to do breakfasts.

She could hear Charity upstairs chatting and laughing with the boys. She smiled to herself glad that Charity seemed in a better frame of mind this morning.

As they made their way downstairs Vanessa greeted the boys and sat them down for their breakfast.

"I'll go and shower and take them to school with you. The walk will be nice."

"Mhm okay" was Charitys reply.

The walk to the school was a pleasant one, Johnny and Moses chattering excitedly as they walked hand in hand between Vanessa and Charity. A kiss and a hug and they were inside ready for their day of play and learning.

Charity and Vanessa walked back to Jacobs Fold. 

"You seem better this morning."

"Yeah it was just a bit of a shock actually meeting her yesterday. I was angry and sad but I'm okay now."

"Do you want to see her again?"

"I've told you babe that's the end of it. She's not part of our lives."

"Maybe in time you can forgive her and get to know her."

Charity became angry again "Why do you have to do this all the time? Keep pushing and pushing. I don't want her in my life she made her choice and now I've made mine."

"Sorry...I just think you might regret it later."

"For fucks sake Ness leave it! This is what I hate you got to keep picking at it."

"Charity we have to be able to talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about!" Charity shrieked exasperated.

The uneasy feeling invaded Vanessas gut again but she said nothing knowing that Charity was really pissed off.

Back at Jacobs Fold Vanessa got her things together for work, she kissed Charity and apologised again.

"I love you, I'll see you later."

"Yeah love you too babe."

Vanessa left. Charity sighed deeply, she couldn't settle her nerves. The temptation in the boot of the car was drawing her. She stood with her hands resting on the back of the sofa not quite knowing what to do with herself.  
'There's hardly anything in it anyway' she thought 'I paid for it so no sense in wasting it'. She nervously tapped her fingers and exhaled loudly and decided instead to go upstairs and make the boys beds.  
Halfway up the stairs she stopped and walked back down grabbing her keys and out to the car. She rummaged in the spare wheel compartment and drew her hand out quickly putting the bottle in the band of her jeans and walked back in the house. As soon as she entered and closed the door she unscrewed the lid and brought it to her lips. Immediately feelings of relief flooded through her as she felt the familiar burn and warmth in her chest.

'There its gone now' she thought to herself 'that's it'.

She went up and made the boys beds with a little spring added to her step.

Around 10 am she decided to go into Hotton. As she was driving she began to have doubts about going to the centre. Guilt started to creep in and feelings of failure. 'How can I sit as someones sponsor encouraging them when I'd be lying?' She thought to herself and started to panic because she knew she could hide it from Vanessa but Nikki would see right through her. You can't kid a kidder Nikki would say with her ability to zoom in on the subtle signs.  
Charity thought it was maybe best to stay away today and go tomorrow.

She sat in the car bored twiddling her thumbs thinking. Her mind started churning over and over about Kathleen and Ria. Charity didn't know what to do with her thoughts she just couldn't switch them off.

She decided to go and grab a meal deal. She stopped at the cash point and made a £20 withdrawal. Usually she used her card for purchases but for some reason that she never even thought was strange she didn't want anyone to know where she had been shopping.  
Browsing the meal deal section she began to browse further in store knowing which isle she was gravitating to but still convincing herself she's just looking and killing time.  
By the time she found herself in the spirits isle it was a done deal she reached out and lifted a half bottle of vodka off the shelf and walked quickly to the check out. At this point she could have stopped but she didn't. Only after she had paid for it and walked out of the shop did she ask herself 'why did I do that?' as if it was a surprise to her when really it was her intention all along. Charity was confused at her own behaviour. 'Oh well it's done now' she thought to herself the thrill of anticipation overtaking any sensible thinking.

She sat in the car and opened the bottle taking a few swigs and feeling relief. She knew she had to be careful, she was driving so chose to drive closer to home. She was also aware that she needed to hide it from Ness. Even though it wasn't a problem only a little help to get through this difficult patch the last thing she needed right now was Vanessa going on about her drinking as well as the Kathleen saga.

Charity emptied the water bottle she got with her meal deal and filled it with vodka it was easier that way.  
She drove home arriving shortly after 1pm and started making the evenings food.  
Before she picked the boys up she took a last swig of her vodka and hid the water bottle in the spare wheel compartment. She went inside, brushed her teeth and popped a chewy in her mouth.

Vanessa returned around teatime. Charity served up their food and they sat chatting about the day.

"Did you see Nikki today?"

"Just briefly, she was busy. How was your day?"

"Cold, I was out on calls. Sometimes I wonder if the farmers do it on purpose instead of bringing in the animal in question they leave them out so you've got to traipse across the bloody field to find it. So much easier if they brought them in the barn. Some do but the odd old bugger expects you to check it out in the middle of the bloody field. I was fuming."

Charity laughed.

"You want me to run you a bath?"

"Spoiling me again" Vanessa reached out and covered Charitys hand with hers. "I love you, I love coming home to you, to our family, our home."

Charity smiled "I love you too Ness." Before removing her hand and going upstairs to run a bath.

"Go on then babe, the baths run nice and hot with radox. Go and enjoy a lovely soak."

"Oh I will"

Charity cleared the dishes, the boys were already in their pyjamas early. When she'd finished the dishes she nipped out to the car and opened the boot taking a few swigs to keep the edge off.  
As she went back inside she heard Vanessa coming down the stairs so she went out back for a smoke.  
Once she'd finished she went inside up to the bathroom.

Going back downstairs she joined Vanessa on the sofa with a brew. 

"Thank you for spoiling me"

"That's okay babes you deserve it" said Charity planting a kiss on her lips. Vanessa froze for a second and Charity sensed it.

"What?"

"Nothing"

"There's something by your reaction. What it is Ness?"

Vanessa was in two minds what to say but she knew Charity knew she was uncomfortable so she had to say something.

"Nothing" she laughed "I just thought I caught a whiff of alcohol."

"I used the mouthwash because I had a smoke." 

"oh right" Vanessa laughed nervously.

"What? You don't believe me?"

"No no it's not that...I just worry that's all. I know things have been difficult lately...and you've not been yourself since you met Kathleen....and you're not talking about it."

"Vanessa we've been through this. I hate when you keep banging on about it pushing and pushing. I've told you there's nothing to talk about. You just can't leave it can you."

"You need to talk to someone Charity. I hate this it's like walking on eggshells everytime Kathleen is mentioned."

"Well don't mention her then. It's you who keeps bringing her up. Anyway I talk to Nikki and in group. I just don't want her part of our lives...I want to keep her separate from us because she has no part in our lives."

"That's all I need to know Charity. I'm reassured that you're working through it and I understand now why you don't want to talk about it here at home with me. I'm sorry you felt I was pushing only I was worried."

"It's okay I know you're concerned but you don't need to be I'm fine. Come 'ere." Charity reached out and put her arms around Vanessa giving her a tight hug.

"You worry too much Ness."

Vanessa gave a little smile, a smile that made Charity ache inside, guilt ridden but convincing herself that she's in control. Once she got over the shock of Kathleen she would stop, it just helped for now.

That evening as they went upstairs to bed, Vanessa was brushing her teeth. Without a thought she picked up the mouthwash and read the bottle, it was alcohol based, she made a mental note to suggest a different brand that she likes not wanting Charity to feel as though she was nagging. Immediately she felt guilty for being suspicious. She hated that she was thinking like this. 'I trust her' she thought to herself 'but then why am I acting like this? I need to be more postive'.

Vanessa went into the bedroom, Charity was already in bed with her back to Vanessa. She pulled back the duvet and climbed in.

"Night babes"

Vanessa wanted intimacy even if it wasn't sex a cuddle would be nice. She didn't want Charity to feel she was pushing her again so she moved towards her and spooned her kissing her softly on her neck.

"Night"

The next few days passed pretty much the same. Charity went to Hotton most days to the centre (or so Vanessa thought) her mood seemed stable but she was distant. They'd had no sex for almost a week which troubled Vanessa as it was very unusual but Charity did have stuff on her mind and was tired a lot. Maybe this stuff with Kathleen was taking it's toll emotionally Vanessa thought.

Early evening after tea Vanessa was scrolling on her phone. She was looking for ideas for a family outing, maybe a show to take the boys to.  
She checked the banking app on her phone for their budget and saw cash withdrawals every other day. 

"Why are you making cash withdrawals?" She innocently asked Charity.

"What? Are you checking up on me? I need to eat when I'm out. Would you rather I made a sandwich?"

"What do you mean checking up on you?" Vanessa laughed "it's just unusual for you, you normally pay everything by card for convenience!"

"Well there's cash points near the centre it's convenient enough." Charity shot back.

"No need to get annoyed I was only saying."

"What...do you want me to bring receipts?"

"Charity. Why are you being so defensive?"

"It's you..you're always questioning me."

"I'm not! I only said it because it was unusual for you...sorry I mentioned it now." Vanessa huffed. She was getting a bit pissed off with Charitys moods she felt unable to say anything without Charity twisting it.

In bed that night the distance continued. Vanessa was desperate to talk about this lack of intimacy but she didn't want to piss Charity off and have another argument so she done what she did everynight, she cuddled into Charity, loving her, supporting her.


	9. Chapter 9

IRELAND

The post van trundled along the country road turning right onto the private lane running up to the modern farmhouse. 

"Good morning Ria how are ya?"

"Good morning Sean I'm good and yourself?"

"Ah can't complain" he laughed.

"Any good news with you?"

"You've some bills and a hand written letter. Don't see many of them now."

"Thanks"

"How's Gypsy?"

"Sean she'll only break your heart, she's a free spirit no intention of settlin."

He blushed and smiled and bid his goodbye.

Ria chuckled to herself, there wasn't a young fella in the county that didn't have his heart set on marrying Gypsy.

Ria walked back into the warm farmhouse, she threw another log onto the fire and settled herself in the old chesterfield wingback and lifted her feet to rest on the footstool.

She didn't recognise the writing, it was a local postmark. She turned it in her hands and opened it.

...Dear Ria  
You may not remember me Kathleen Dingle you aunt, Charitys mum. I know you probably thought I had passed, it's a long story but I'd like to come and see you if that's okay? I was passing through the area and was aware that you lived here. I'm staying at a guesthouse in the town. It didn't take long to find your address. I'd really love to see you again. You can call the guesthouse to arrange to meet if you want to. The number is at the top of this letter.  
I do hope to see you.  
Sincerely  
Kathleen...

"Well well" said Ria to herself lowering the letter to rest on her lap while she found solace staring into the dancing flames of the fire.

The sound of the door latch broke her out of her thoughts.

"You alright Ma?" Asked Gypsy as it's not often she sees her mother sitting by the fire when lunch time is approaching.

"Yeah love I'll get the lunch ready now. I'll be nipping into town this afternoon. I have a few things to pick up."

After lunch Ria got herself ready and drove into town. Being a small town she knew the place where Kathleen was staying. She parked up and entered the lobby.

"Ah how are ya Ria? I wondered if it was a relative of yours Ms Dingle."

Ria smiled politely not offering any further information as she knew small town talk and was not in the habit of feeding it.

"Can you call her room and let her know there's a visitor here"

"Sure"

Kathleen was resting on the bed when the phone startled her.

"Hello"

"Ms Dingle your visitor has arrived."

Kathleen froze, there was only one person who knew where she was...Ria.

"Ok...I...I'll be down now"

Kathleen walked out of her room reluctantly but eager not to keep Ria waiting. She realised she hadn't thought this through properly. What on earth was she going to say? Hi Ria remember me Charitys mum and actually your mum, I gave you away then faked my own death for about 40 years but I'm here now..."shit" Kathleen panicked.

She stood in the lobby Ria was thumbing through a magazine with her back to her.

"Ria" Kathleen said softly.

Ria turned and a small gasp escaped Kathleen. She had features of Charity, eyes green/grey ....a shade darker but unmistakeable, a gap in her front teeth, dark hair and red cheeks from years of working outdoors on the land. She was beautiful.

"Kathleen Dingle...I never expected to see you again"

They went to a local pub, Ria ordered a half guiness Katheen took a brandy. Ria led them to the fireplace where a roaring fire was throwing out a comforting heat.

"So Kathleen or should I call you Lazarus?" Ria asked dryly.

"It's a long story. I had to get away from Obadiah Charitys dad. You didn't know him." Kathleen started but was quickly cut off by Ria.

"Let's cut to the chase Kathleen, I don't beat around the bush. You mean Obadiah my dad"

Kathleen froze, her mouth open and stared at Ria.

"Close your mouth Kathleen or the bats will be nesting in it. Don't look surprised I've known for nearly 30 years. My biggest shock is you being alive but other than that I've no feelings about it or about you. My only concern now is Charity. I'm presuming if you've come to see me you've been to see her."

Kathleen nodded.

"And I take it it didn't go too well?"

Kathleen shook her head tears welling in her eyes. "I'm....so...sorry Ria" Kathleen was close to breaking.

"Stop the tears. Don't make a scene here."

Kathleen composed herself.

"If I'd of known back then what you both would have to go through...."

"Hindsights a wonderful thing. Charity told you did she?"

Kathleen nodded.

"She shouldn't have done that..my secrets are mine alone to tell"

"She was angry" said Kathleen.

"I bet she was...still it was not her place to tell you.  
You see Kathleen it's great for you coming back from the dead salving your conscience and shedding all your secrets. Have you really thought about this? You have no idea of the secrets other people carry and the damage you inflict on them when you start trying to make amends and getting your own shit in order. Some things are best left unsaid.  
I have protected Charity over the years and you come with a great big wrecking ball and have probably smashed her to pieces with your truths and what did it achieve? Did you really think she'd welcome you with open arms and offer forgiveness for her shitty life? I saw her at her lowest Kathleen I was there in the gutter beside her. Where were you then? When she was 15 and me 16 going on 17 living in squats having sex with men to put food in our bellys and yes to buy drugs that took away the pain of our fucked up damaged lives. She was 15 and already had 2 kids one was taken from her and the other died and she was 15 years old Kathleen sex working living in a squat, both of us like street rats. You have no idea what damage you have caused by coming back into her life with your truths. Me I don't care, I've had 30 years to come to terms with it but for Charity it's all raw she had no idea we were sisters. I suggest you go back to where you were hiding and leave her be."

"I'm sorry Ria...how can I make it better?"

"Are you for fuckin real? Go Kathleen my concern is Charity not you. Don't you go near her. Leave me your contact details but don't hold your breath. This may be the only time you see me."

Ria drained her guiness and left.

That evening Ria sat alone until the early hours staring into the fire..thinking...thinking. Finally around 3 am she got up and threw the slack on the flames for the night. She had made her decision, she would go to England to Yorkshire because she knew for sure that her little sister needed her more than ever.


	10. Chapter 10

It was the fourth call she had made in a number of days and still she kept going through to voicemail. She left another message, this time she voiced her concerns. She would wait to see if there was any response.

Charity was sitting on the sofa in Jacobs Fold. She put her phone down beside her and sighed. She kept meaning to go to the centre but she had needed space and to be alone.  
The problem was it wasn't going away, she thought if she took some time that she could sort her head out and get on with her life but it wouldn't go away. The constant churning in her mind about Kathleen having abandoned her, Kathleen coming back and spilling her secrets about Ria. 'Why did she have to do that?' She thought. 'Why couldn't she stay where she had been hiding and everyone could have gotten on with their lives. My life was going great before she showed up and now I'm right back in that shitty pit ashamed and lying to people...lying to Ness'  
Charity couldn't feel more guilt if she tried it was dripping of her and she hated herself for it.

Vanessa was getting suspicious and she'd changed the bloody mouthwash saying she preferred a different brand but Charity knew. She also questioned why she wasn't paying by card but withdrawing cash. Charity hated the questioning, she hated the secretive shroud that had wrapped itself around her again.  
She sat with her head in her hands "I can't keep lying" but she was scared, scared that if she told Vanessa what was happening that she had been sneaking the vodka she would want to know why and Charity certainly didn't want to have that conversation. "Fuck you Kathleen Dingle" she hissed through gritted teeth. She felt trapped, unable to find a way out and she knew she was sinking deeper.

She picked up her phone and listened to the voicemail.

...Charity it's me again...please ring me I've big concerns girl...I know the signs and I'm worried about you. I'm just going to come right out and say it..if something has happened and you've relapsed call me now. I can't help if you won't let me but if you need help and want help I'm right here waiting..Nikki xxx

Charitys thumb hovered over her phone to call Nikki back, she locked her phone and put it down again. She didn't want to explain the fucked up situation to anyone, she'd rather forget about the whole thing The only thing that made it go away although temporary was the vodka, she was well and truly trapped and she knew it. Filled with despair she opened her phone again and sent a quick text to Nikki.

...Sorry been really busy,stuff with my mum. I'll call you soon. No need to worry I'm fine xxx

Nikki saw the text notification, she opened her phone and read it, she sighed deeply 'no you're not fine Charity Dingle' she thought to herself.  
Nikki dialled Vanessas number.

"Hi Nikki is everthing alright?"

"Hey Vanessa..actually I was calling to ask you that question."

"Me? Why?"

"I haven't seen Charity for nearly 2 weeks."

"You what? She's been going to the centre most days and I asked her specifically had she seen you and she said yes." Vanessa's voice became franctic.

"Vanessa calm down, take a deep breath."

"Calm down! I knew something was going on I smelt alcohol and she said it was mouthwash. I checked and it was alcohol based so I changed the brand and she been making cash withdrawals. She always used her card, she's hiding it from me....."

Vanessa rambled on, Nikki let her get it off her chest she'd been in this position more times than she ever wanted to be. The anguish of family members, partners, kids when someone relapsed.

"What do I do Nikki? This is since she met her mum but she won't talk about it."

"It's obviously triggered something but unless she talks there's nothing anyone can do to help her."

"In your experience is it best I challenge her outright? She just seems to have excuses for everthing. She makes me think that it's me whose got a problem saying I question her. Then I feel bad and guilty for it."

"That's the way the addict plays it Vanessa, puts the blame on others and gives very reasonable arguments to throw you off the scent. She'll be very clever in hiding it that's what we addicts are good at lying to preserve ourselves when we are actively using. She won't want to lie to you and is probably beating herself up about it, hating herself but she will feel she has no other choice. Vanessa don't be angry at her there's something that's gone very wrong for her to relapse. Charity has always been so committed and has done so well she wouldn't throw that away easily.  
Did you ask her about the cash withdrawals?"

"I did I mentioned it because it was odd, it was an observation but she felt I was questioning her and checking up on her but I wasn't it was just because it was unusual because she always pays by card for convenience."

"What did she say was the reason?"

"She said there's cash points by the centre so it's convenient enough."

"She's being secretive..classic sign. From experience if it were me I would be trying to find other ways to access money or alcohol to ease suspicion. She still has access to the pub stock?"

"Shit...yes" vanessa closed her eyes as it sunk in and bit on her lip to try and stop herself crying.

"She might try and source her alcohol from there. Keep an eye on her if she's visiting more frequent at the pub. If you or Chas catch her at it then challenge her because she can't deny it. If you challenge her without solid proof she'll talk her way out of it, twisting it so it's you who has the problem because you don't trust her and she'll dig herself even deeper in the pit through the guilt that comes with lying. She'll feel shame and unfortunately shame is a big feeder in the cycle of addiction."

Vanessa broke down on the phone.

"I'm sorry Vanessa...we are here to support you, you"re not alone in this."

"I can't go through it again, what about the kids? I can't do it again Nikki."

"Vanessa it's just a blip, if we can get her to talk about what's caused her to relapse before it goes too far she'll be okay. It's finding the opportunity, if she feels pressured she may clam up more. This has to come from Charity unless you have undeniable proof she's drinking and she can't turn it on you then my advice would be wait until she's ready to talk or you risk pushing her further into denial."

"How am I supposed to face her Nikki when I know she's lying to me?"

"Vanessa addiction is an illness. Look how well she has done, she's been amazing this past year she's tried so hard and succeeded in staying sober. Something has gone very wrong for her and it's obviously connected to her mum. I know it feels impossible but please try and remember when you feel anger that she's in a very desperate and lonely place. Call me anytime Vanessa and link back in with Fiona for some support if you feel you need to. I'll have a chat with Fiona and let her know what's happening, we are here to support you as well as Charity."

"Thanks Nikki I'll call you again."

Vanessa sat down in the consulting room her heart heavy, she wiped her eyes and tried to shake off the conversation. She took a deep breath and called for her next patient which was thankfully routine innoculations so she didn't have to think too much.


	11. Chapter 11

IRELAND  
Ria was busy cooking the evening meal, it was a tradition they had kept as a family even when the children were grown. Each night they met around the dinner table, it was a place of belonging, of support and a chance to air any grievance. Family was important to Ria and she kept them all close. The twins and Gypsy had never moved out and Solomon had built a house in the field adjacent for his family.

Tonight she would tell her children. They knew parts of her past but the most of it she kept locked away. They didn't know about Charity or about her real parents she just hadn't seen the need to tell them. Her life was here in Ireland, she was estranged from her family and it was never questioned. They always believed Polly and Ezra were her parents, that Polly was dead and she had no contact with Ezra or her brothers.

Her kids were everything to her, they had wanted for nothing growing up in the idyllic countryside far from any other Dingles and the life Ria had known.  
They had been born and raised in Ireland their father had died when Solomon her eldest son was 14, the twins 12 and Gypsy was 10. Now they were adults she hoped they would understand more when she told them certain details about her past. They didn't need to know everything but just enough to explain their unknown aunt Charity.

EMMERDALE

Vanessa entered Jacobs Fold, Charity was sitting on the floor playing with the boys. Johnny and Moses jumped up excitedly and ran to greet Vanessa.

"Hello my little munchkins" she cooed hugging them.  
She looked up at Charity who was now standing, Charity smiled at her and Vanessa's heart hammered in her chest. She felt so angry inside but managed a smile in return.  
The smile was weak in comparison to her usual beam when she saw Charity.

"You okay babe?" Charity had picked up on it.

"Yeah difficult day."

"Can I get you anything? Run you a nice bath?"

How about a vodka was on the tip of Vanessas tongue but she swallowed the words and simply said "a bath would be nice".

She turned away from Charity finding it hard to look at her. Vanessa remembered Nikki's words 'unless you have solid proof don't challenge her or she'll turn it on you and you risk pushing her further into denial'. Vanessa couldn't bear the thought of pushing her further into her relapse but it was so hard. She knew it was to do with Kathleen and it affected her as well as Charity, Vanessa herself felt trapped. Trapped by the deceit that had woven it's filthy tendrils back into their lives. Charity was lying to her and she was in effect lying to Charity by pretending she didn't know. But then did she know for sure? It could be possible Charity was meeting Kathleen in secret, building a relationship, testing the waters before she allowed her into her family.  
The mouthwash was alcohol based and there were cashpoints by the centre although she hadn't being going there she may be meeting Kathleen in Hotton. She had no solid proof just indicators and suspicion.

"Babe? Earth to Vanessa..."

"Sorry I was miles away."

"You want to eat first?"

"Actually I'm not hungry I'll just take a bath." Vanessa had no appetite only a heaviness in her gut.

As Vanessa soaked in the bath it was far from relaxing, her mind churned over constantly. She hated this lack of communication it was driving them apart, driving a wedge between them. She needed to talk to Charity, she couldn't let her continue drinking it would destroy her and their family. However if she challenged her it could push her further away. If she told Charity Nikki had called her concerned as she hadn't seen Charity then Charity would be angry at Nikki and could cut contact completely with her isolating herself more.  
Vanessa screamed silently into her hands 'this fucking nightmare' she thought 'fuck you Kathleen Dingle'. She could quite happily swing for Kathleen if she saw her.

After her bath she wandered downstairs.

"You want a brew?" She asked Charity.

"No thanks babe."

Vanessa made one for herself and joined Charity on the sofa, she began chatting to the boys distracting herself and avoiding conversation with Charity.

"Did you see their new art work on the fridge?" Said Charity.

"Er..no I didn't notice"

"Didn't notice? You usually look for it! show mummy your pictures boys"

Moses and Johnny got up excitedly and led Vanessa to the fridge. There on the fridge was two drawings of their family all holding hands. Charity was hiding her giggles at the stick figures with yellow hair for her and Vanessa, on top of Noahs head was something resembling a birds nest and something at the side of Johnnys picture resembling a penis which was apparently the cactus on the kitchen window. Vanessa really didn't feel like laughing but it did raise a laugh from her.

"Oh they're lovely pictures!" she praised.

They looked up at her all proud and happy with themselves.

"I love my mummy's" shouted Moses

"Yes I love my mummy's wrote on both your pictures, that's sweet. We love you too!" Vanessa squatted to their level and hugged and kissed them both. As she stood to her feet she met Charitys eyes, Vanessa physically felt her heart flip over in her chest. Even after being together for so long this woman standing in front of her could still make her weak at the knees. She wanted to lunge forward and crash her lips onto Charitys but instead she turned away frightened of what she might taste.

Charity sensed Vanessa was hiding something. She felt Vanessas disappointment rest on her already tired shoulders, the weight was becoming too heavy to bear. The weight of her secrets, Vanessas disappointment, responsibility, deceit...the list goes on, Charity was being crushed beneath it and wanted desperately to reach out and ask Vanessa to help but she couldn't. If she did Vanessa would want to know more and Charity wasn't ready to speak about it yet....maybe not ever.  
She'll get through this somehow.....

That night as they went to bed Charity kissed Vanessa goodnight and turned her back as she had done for the past 2 weeks. Vanessa turned away herself unable to hold Charity close when she herself needed support, needed someone to hold her and reassure her that everything will be okay. Charity felt the invisible wall between them and wondered why Vanessa had turned cold on her, it added to the feelings of shame and worthlessness that saturated her inner self. A tear rolled down the side of her face and another across the bridge of her nose onto the pillow. She swallowed hard and thought of random stupid things to stop the pain.

Vanessa stared at the wall her own tears wetting her pillow as she pushed her own pain and hurt down, she didn't want Charity to hear her crying, she couldn't bear another argument as Charity's defenses were high. As she composed herself she made the choice to choose love not anger and she turned to face Charity draping her arm across her waist and tucking her legs in behind hers, scooching as close as she could desperate to convey to Charity that she will hold her through her pain whatever it was.

Charity felt relief wash over her.

IRELAND

As the sun rose spreading its rays across the chilly land Ria was clearing out the ashes from the hearth and setting the fire for the day. The family meeting went better than she'd hoped with not too many questions from her kids.  
She had booked her flight for a weeks time in order to give them a chance to let the news sink in about Charity and some of the stuff Ria had disclosed. If any of them had questions the week would give her opportunity to answer them. Gypsy had wanted to accompany her but Ria told her she had to go alone this time.  
She wondered how Charity was and how Kathleens revelations had affected her, she hoped Charity had solid support around her just like she did when she found out the truth all those years ago.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning at breakfast there was a tension in the air although the boys didn't seem to notice.

"So what have you got planned for today?" Vanessa asked Charity.

"Dunno yet, I'm going to call in and have a cuppa with Chas later. It's been a while since we had a catch up."

Vanessa's heart sunk "You not going into Hotton today?"

"Not sure I'll see later. Have you got much on today?"

"I'm in the surgery all day on duty, we could have lunch together?"

"Mm I'll text you later if I'm not going to Hotton. You coming to school with us?"

"Er no...I'll just take my time getting ready, I didn't sleep too good last night."

"Why's that babe?"

"Just stuff on my mind Charity."

"What stuff?"

"It doesn't matter, I don't want you to feel I'm questioning or pushing you." Vanessa's tone was pissed off as she walked off upstairs.

Charity was a little taken back by Vanessa's response, she watched her walk away tempted to snark back at her but too tired for an argument. 'She'll get over it' she thought to herself.

"Come on boys lets get you to school. Upstairs and brush your teeth and say bye to mummy."

As Vanessa heard the front door finally close she quickly picked up her phone and scrolled through her contacts. She dialled Chas's number wlling her to pick up.

"Morning love..early aren't you. Is everything okay?"

"Er...morning Chas..no actually things aren't okay."

"Why what's happened?"

"Are you able to talk..privately?"

"Er...Yeah... Paddy's here is that a problem?"

" No..Chas... I think Charitys drinking again."

"Oh for fucks sake...why? What makes you think that?"

"You know she's been really off since meeting Kathleen. She still won't talk to me about it, she said she talks to Nikki and in group because she doesn't want Kathleen to be a part of us and doesn't want to bring her name into our home."

"Yeah go on"

"I had a call from Nikki concerned because she hasn't seen Charity for 2 weeks."

"Well maybe she's processing stuff herself. Do you think she's meeting Kathleen?"

"It crossed my mind but the other night I caught a whiff of alcohol and when I mentioned to Charity she said she had used mouthwash. I checked the mouthwash it was alcohol based so I've swapped brands. It was Charity who bought that recently possibly to cover up I don't know. She's also making cash withdrawals whereas she always used her card previously. She obviously doesn't want me to know what and where she is spending."

"Oh bloody 'ell...oh Ness I'm so sorry. Stupid question but are you okay love?"

"Chas don't ask because I'll cry if you show concern. I haven't spoken to Charity about it, she's so defensive already and says I'm always questioning and pushing her to talk about stuff. She turns it on me like I'm the one with the problem. "

"That doesn't sound good."

"Nikki said not to challenge her unless there's definate proof otherwise she'll just lie and turn it on me. Listen Chas I think Charity knows I'm suspicious, I asked her about the cash withdrawals and she made some excuse but Nikki thinks she'll try and get money or alcohol in other ways now she thinks I might be on to her. She told me this morning she's going to call in and see you today. I'm worried she's got access to the pub stock."

Chas sighed deeply "I get you..okay I'll keep an eye on her when she's here."

"Thanks Chas"

"Oh love I don't want to go through that again with her. I can't imagine how hard this is for you."

"This is bloody Kathleen this is.. Chas she must be desperate to start drinking again. I don't know what Kathleen said to her but whatever it was she's drinking to escape it. I don't know what's so awful that she can't speak to me about it."

"I'm sure she will eventually love."

"Yeah..bye Chas"

"Bye love"

Chas sighed deeply as she ended the call. Paddy looked at her chewing his toast.  
"Charity back on the booze?" He asked.

"Possibly..well most likely..it's looking that way."

"How's Vanessa?"

"How do you think? Devastated. Don't say anything to anyone Paddy and especially not Rhona. Vanessa needs to handle this discreetly."

"I won't. Shame though Charity was doin so well. How does she always manage to fuck things up? Poor Ness."

"Paddy you and I both know that Charity is not your average run of the mill person. She's complex and when she can't cope she goes on self destruct. I don't know anyone who could survive what she has and still be functioning and I don't know why you have to be so hard on her. "

"Like you're never hard on her!"

"Yeah well she does push people to their limits but when the angers gone I feel guilty because I know the shit she's been through. I just hope she doesn't go too far this time."

"Well I'm off, busy morning." Paddy got up and gave Chas a peck on the cheek.

"See you later" he said.

"Yeah see you later love."

Vanessa was dressed and ready to leave for work when Charity returned. Charity took off her coat and began to clear the breakfast dishes as Vanessa came downstairs.

"So I'll be off then" Vanessa said quietly.

"Yeah" was the short response.

Vanessa really needed a hug but Charity kept her distance.

"Charity....I feel like your avoiding me, like there's no communication and I just really need a hug."

"I'm not avoiding you Ness you're the one whose not speaking to me much."

Vanessa sighed, she just wanted things to be normal again for them to be happy. Everytime she tried to speak to Charity she turned it on her and put the blame with Vanessa. Vanessa was so frustrated that the truth nearly burst out of her. Instead she turned and grabbed her bag unable to deal with the hurt she felt.

"Ness" Charity called after her.

Vanessa stopped in her tracks but didn't turn around. Charity walked towards her and put her hand on her shoulder turning her round and into her arms.

"I'm sorry Ness I've got a lot of stuff on my mind" said Charity softly.

"That stuff Charity also affects me, we share our lives so when you're going through stuff I'm going through stuff and that will also affect our boys."

"I know...I'll deal with it...I'm sorry."

Vanessa broke their embrace, picked up her bag again and went out the door leaving Charity standing there wondering how she was going to fix this.

Charity went back to the kitchen and continued washing the dishes. The cravings were coming so strong she left the dishes and couldn't concentrate on anything but thoughts of getting her fix. She decided she would go and visit Chas to take her mind off things. She was aware of the other thoughts invading her mind..the pub...there's vodka..a little shot will help. She didn't want those thoughts and chose to deny they were motivating her. Instead she told herself she needed company to distract herself, Chas was family and the fact that she lived at the pub meant nothing.  
She put on her coat and made her way to the Woolpack.


	13. Chapter 13

Charity let herself in through the back door, Chas was in the living room with Eve.

"Morning" greeted Charity.

"Morning, not seen you for a while. How are you?"

"I'm okay just thought I'd pop in for a cuppa and some company"

"Kettle's not long boiled, I got distracted with Eve but now you're here you can make me one"

Charity made them both a brew and sat down.

"So I haven't had a real chance to talk to you since this stuff with Kathleen. How did it go?"

"Nothing to talk about, she gave her excuses saying me dad would have killed her if she stayed. I said so you left me with him so he still had a punchbag and that was pretty much it. She reckons he adored me so she thought I'd be okay. She even thought I'd look for her, I said fat chance when I was told she'd died of cancer. That was it"

"Have you seen her since?"

"No I told her to do one, she made her choice when she left me. I won't be seeing her again"

"And how have you been since?"

"Fine..why?"

"Just asking...that's big stuff to deal with, Kathleen coming back"

"Yeah well I'm dealing with it"

"How?"

Chas could visibly see Charity's defenses rise "what is it with people questioning all the time? I don't want to talk about it" Charity voice rose.

"Hey I was only asking concerned about you and don't raise your voice around Eve she's just gone off to sleep again " Chas said softly.

Charity shifted in her seat.

"You seem a bit edgy"

"Chas I'm fine just leave it. I only came here for a cuppa and some company"

Chas smiled at her and they continued talking about more mundane things.

"Actually do you mind watching Eve in case she wakes while I go and get a quick shower?"

"No it's fine I'll watch her"

Chas went upstairs and Charity's heart started to pound in her chest. This was her chance, she hesitated loathing herself but the cravings hammered her thoughts until she stood up. She listened at the door and heard the shower running. She checked Eve and darted down the cellar and lifting a bottle of vodka. She unscrewed the lid and raised it to her lips taking a swig. The familiar burn was comforting, the company of her old friend relieving, instantly calming her mind. She started to think where she could hide it to get it out the door while taking another large swig when suddenly she heard a voice behind her.

"What do you think your doin? came Chas's firm voice.

Charity whirled around startled "I...I..it was just impluse, I don't why I did it Chas. It was just this once...I think it was being back in the pub. Please Chas don't tell Ness it was a slip that's all."

"Vanessa knows already Charity. You've been back on it a few weeks now. You're only fooling yourself thinking you can carry on like this. Give me the vodka Charity"

Charity stood frozen to the spot, she had a choice, Chas knew and apparently Vanessa. She could hand it over and admit defeat but if Vanessa knew anyway what's the point she's done for. Vanessa has been cold with her because she knew and she's sick of her 'well now she has proof she can kick me to the gutter where I belong, she's just been waiting to catch me out' she thought to herself.

"No" Charity answered.

"Charity give me the vodka" Chas became insistent.

"I said no!"

"Charity just hand it over please and we can get you help, nobody wants to go through this again especially you. Remember your health your liver and I know the damage was reversed but you may not be so lucky this time"

"Lucky!" Charity gave a manic laugh she was now in full flow of bile and poison. All the pent up hurt and pain now finding a escape as her world unravelled.

Chas heard Eve start to cry upstairs "Charity please just give it to me I have to go to Eve"

"No it's my life Chas and you know nothing about it"

Chas was desperate she needed to get to Eve but she didn't want to leave Charity. She thought about locking her in the cellar and calling Vanessa but decided it was not a good idea given the amount of alcohol down there and Vanessa may not be able to come yet. She could deal with Charity by herself but with Eve there she couldn't and Eve takes priority.  
Chas turned and ran up the stairs as Eve was now in full blown cry.

Charity went up after her and walked through the lounge the bottle still in her hand. She ignored Chas and went straight to the back door and out.

Chas sighed trying to settle Eve but unsuccessfully as Eve sensed her stress. It took sometime to calm herself and Eve. As soon as Eve was settled she called Vanessa, it went to voicemail.  
She called Paddy, voicemail.

"Fuck" 

Chas couldn't do anything but keep ringing Vanessa and Paddy. An hour passed by and Paddy returned her call.

"What's up? I've had a zillion missed calls from you"

"Paddy you need to get hold of Vanessa, Charity's gone off on one. I don't want to call the landline Pearl will be on high alert for gossip and I can't get her on the mobile. Can you get back to the surgery? Vanessa will have to leave and sort Charity out."

"I'm on my way back there now"

"Call the office and tell Vanessa to ring me"

Chas waited, finally her phone lit up with Vanessa's name.

"Vanessa Charity needs you. I caught her in the cellar swigging a bottle of vodka. She's gone off with the bottle possibly more. She's gone crazy...I'm sorry love I can't leave Eve or I'd have followed her"

"How long ago was this Chas"

"Over a hour ago I've been trying to call you and Paddy, he's on his way back so you can go"

Vanessa dropped the call and started to gather her things. Tears streamed down her face she had no idea where Charity was or what state she would find her in or how she was going to deal with this. Vanessa wiped her eyes, she needed to stay strong. Charity needed her, she willed Paddy to hurry up.

Paddy came through the door flustered, her rushed past Pearl and into the consulting room where Vanessa stood.

"I'm sorry Vanessa, you go I'll hold the fort here"

Vanessa could only nod and whisper thanks before rushing past him and out the door.


	14. Chapter 14

Charity was back at Jacobs Fold, she was sat in the armchair in oblivion, her confrontation with Chas at the Woolpack had sent her over the edge completely. Inside her head was her own voice accompanied by what sounded to her like 50 screaming demons. She had recognised some, anger yeah she knew anger, anger was a frequent visitor. Bitterness, self loathing, shame, guilt she named the frequent visitors but had difficulty identifying the new ones that had sneaked in. With each swig the oblivion she desperately sought had wrapped around her like a blanket until she felt numb.

"Doesn't matter anyway cos I've lost everything" she slurred mumbling and muttering to herself.

She decided to go out for a smoke and tried to stand. As she slid to the edge of the chair and pushed herself up from the arms of the chair she lunged forward off balance and head first into the coffee table causing a split on her scalp. She lay on the floor stunned before dragging herself to her knees and attempting to stand once again.   
As she pulled herself up using the chair she felt warmth trickle down her face, reaching her hand up her fingers touched something wet. She moved her hand in front of her face and saw the crimson streams that patterned her fingers running to her palms where it then pooled in the creases of her palm lines. She was transfixed by the sight.  
Suddenly she remembered she was going for a smoke and staggered out the back leaving a bloodied handprint on all she touched but she unaware.

Vanessa went straight to the Woolpack to get more information from Chas. 

"Chas has she been back?"

"No love"

"What happened?"

"She said she'd called in for company, she was edgy. To be honest I set her up, Eve was sleeping in the lounge and I asked would she watch Eve while I had a quick shower. I waited leaving the shower running then came back down quietly, she was already in the cellar swigging a bottle of vodka."

"And what happened then?"

"She said it was a one off but I told her she was only fooling herself and we knew she'd been back on it for weeks."

"You told her I knew?"

"Well kind of"

"Shit"

"She refused to hand it over, Eve was crying I had to see to her. Charity was shouting, getting nasty and manic. She walked past me in the lounge I saw one bottle in her hand but she may have slipped another in her waistband because her shirt was out, I'm not sure though."

"Where do you think she'll go?"

"Don't know maybe home. she knows you know so she doesn't have to hide it now"

"Or limit it" added Vanessa. "Chas can you pick the boys up from school and bring them here?"

"Yeah no probs"

"I'll text Noah later and tell him to come here after school. I don't want the kids seeing her"

"If you need me once Noahs home and Paddys in they can manage the kids I can come and help"

"Thanks Chas. I'll let you know when I find her, her phone's switched off"

Vanessa left the Woolpack and headed to Jacobs Fold dreading what she was going to find.

Vanessa opened the door, the smell hit her nostrils violently a mixture of ethanol, vomit and cigarette smoke. Her eyes fell on the pathetic looking sack of hopelessness head down swaying in the chair. Vanessa gasped, she couldn't comprehend the scene before her. What on earth had happened? What on earth had the power to reduce her strong, courageous and feisty fiancee to this pathetic mess in front of her? Vanessa felt she had been punched in the gut and all the wind knocked out of her.

"Charity" she whispered.

Charity slowly raised her head revealing dark remenants of blood stains on her face and neck.

"Charity....what's happened?" Vanessa's voice was full of concern as she crumbled with emotion at the sight in front of her.

Charity's head weaved back and forth slowly like a nodding dog on the back shelf of a car. She had no control to keep it still as she tried to focus on Vanessa.

"Well you tell me Va..ness.a. Were you laughing at me waiting to catch me out?" She slurred.

"What? No...Charity I've been so worried. You can't go on like this you'll kill yourself...look at the state of you. I can't bear to see you like this, this is not you"

"You don't know what is me"

"What happened to your face?"

Charity rambled unintelligibly and hiccuped, her head dropped again.

Vanessa walked slowly towards her, she placed her hand on Charitys chin and the other at the back of her head to support her head as she inspected the wound.

"You might need a stitch or two"

"I'm fine"

"Charity you're not fine. You're a mess, you're so out of it do you even know what you've done to yourself?"

"I'm fine va..ness..a" she emphasised Vanessa again.

"You've got a nasty wound on your head, it looks like it's bled a lot but then head wounds do. Look at the mess the bloodied handprints on the sofa and walls."

"Is.that.all you..care about" slurred and with attitude.

Vanessa sighed and sat down on the sofa.

"Charity...this has to stop. I can't do this...I can't help you if you won't tell me what's wrong. I know you hate me bringing this up but this is to do with Kathleen. Since you met her something has changed, something is eating you up, it's destroying you, destroying us and I need you to talk to me if we are going to get through this."

Charitys face crumpled up with pain "I can't...I can't..."

"Yes you can...you..you can tell me anything" Vanessa moved towards Charitys and knelt on the floor in front of her stroking her hair back from her face and holding her face in her hands "you can tell me my love..I can't bear to see you in so much pain."

"I'm not worth it" she mumbled.

"Yes you are"

Vanessa held her and let her cry until only sniffles were left.

"I'm tired" said Charity.

"You're emotionally exhausted, something is weighing you down. Where is this coming from?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You need too...it's destroying you. What else are you going to do? Carry on drinking yourself into oblivion? Destroy yourself, destroy our relationship and our family? Kathleen is not worth it, look at where you were...sober, happy you were doing amazing and now after one meeting with Kathleen you're throwing it all away? You're stronger than that."

"I'm not"

"Yes you are"

"She's destroyed everything"

"How? You had one meeting with her!"

Charity stared at nothing she knew it was now or never. She didn't want things to be this way, she's lost everything anyway..her self respect, her sobriety, trust and Vanessa.

"Shall I call Nikki?"

"No I don't want to see or talk to anyone"

"Then you need to talk to me Charity. Secrets destroy, there's nothing you can tell me that will make me stop loving you."

Charity scoffed "You won't even want to look at me" she mumbled.

"I've had enough of this Charity. I'm going to call Kathleen myself. I kept her number." Vanessa was trying to call her bluff and Charity rose to the bait.

"No" Charity shouted standing unsteadily to her feet and lunging at Vanessa to grab her phone from her. Being unable to fully control her movements her body barrelled into Vanessa who was knocked off balance and slammed into the kitchen unit before hitting the floor causing her to cry out in pain.

Charity stood swaying in shock and as realisation hit she moved toward Vanessa to help her up. 

"I'm so sorry babe I didn't mean to hurt you"

Vanessa slowly got to her feet and backed away from Charity. The hurt in Vanessa's eyes cut through the boozey haze in Charity's head and pierced her heart.

"I know you didn't mean to do that but you did and the reason it happened was because you're not in control, you're drunk and while you continue to drink I can't be around you and neither can the kids. Charity you can stop this now."

Charity stood shaking her head and crying "I can't Ness, I can't it won't go away...it's in my head all the time."

"What's in your head? Tell me Charity and we can stop it together. I can help you."

Charity sat down on the sofa her head in her hands, Vanessa again knelt in front of her "what happened with Kathleen?"

Charity took a deep breath "She told me I have a sister."

"What? Charity why didn't you say...that's surely a good thing?"

Charity scoffed.

"Charity I didn't meet Tracey until we were adults and even though we didn't get on at first look at us now! Is she in Spain?"

"No....I've already met her Vanessa."

"What? When?"

"It's Ria....Ria's my sister." Charity broke again.

"Ria as in your cousin Ria? That you lived with in Bradford?"

Charity nodded.

Vanessa was stunned and lost for words until she eventually gathered her thoughts.

"Why did she grow up with your aunt and uncle?"

"Apparently me dad didn't believe she was his, said Kathleen had an affair and wouldn't let Ria stay to remind him of Kathleens sin. She said he choked her until she passed out one night by Ria's cot, Ria was crying. She was worried he would hurt her. She was pregnant with me at the time. She sent Ria to Polly and Ezra as they always wanted a girl."

Vanessa stood up and sat down on the sofa next to Charity.

"Does Ria know? Will you contact her?"

"She has no idea, she knew Kathleen died or so we thought and that Polly and Ezra were her parents. She had no contact with family after she ran away from home. I told you what happened with her brother after Polly died."

"What a complicated mess" Vanessa was still shocked "but Charity Ria is a different person now. You saw pictures of her on her daughters facebook. She has family...you're not the same person you were back then. I know you did drugs together and Ria gave you your first hit but you're different now. Back then you were both surviving life as best you could."

"I can never tell her Ness, she may be a different person now and yes she looks happy so why destroy her?"

"How would you destroy her? She might be really happy to know you're her sister."

"Ness...you don't understand. We did stuff back then to get what we needed, it was a really dark time and I can't bring it all back for her."

"You were happy that you had met her again in Bradford at that time."

"It's complicated Ness."

There was silence while eveything sunk in then Vanessa spoke cautiously "Charity.....did something happen between you and Ria?

Charity was silent.

"Were you..you know...together?"

"No" Charity sighed heavily "it wasn't like that."

Vanessa spoke slowly and softly "well...what was it...like?"

Charity started to cry "you know we were both working..."

"Sex work..yeah"

"Sometimes men....they..they" Charity stammered.

"Paid more for two girls?" Vanessa finished her sentence. Charity broke again crying hard, Vanessa took her in her arms and held her tight until the tears subsided "it's okay, it's okay."

They stayed like that for long time, Vanessa holding Charity in her pain finally realising the deep shame that had driven her back to self loathing and relapse. She was completely devastated for Charity.

Charity quietly spoke "I can't even look at myself in the mirror Ness."

"Charity you didn't know, neither of you did. You were two young adults who had both experienced so much trauma. Both addicts whose only goal was survival. You're not at fault...it was life and it had been cruel to you both growing up. I know you don't like counselling but I think it would really help you to process this and deal with it instead of trying to escape it."

"No Ness...I don't want to tell anyone. I'll get through it."

"What about your drinking? Nikki is your sponsor and I know that honesty is key in recovery. You'll need to speak with her at some point."

"I'm not going back there babe. I'm too ashamed, going back and admitting to everyone that I fucked up. I don't need to go anymore I'll just stop myself."

"When?"

"Babe I've got enough going on in my head please don't nag about me having a drink to help me through."

"Charity I meant what I said before. I can't be around you and neither can the kids when you're drinking. Please call Nikki and ask her to come here to see you if you can't face going there. You need to get back to your meetings or at least some 1 to 1. Charity people can help, remember how bad it got last time, your health suffered and it won't be long before liver damage starts to set in again. I don't want to lose you Charity and when you are drinking you start slipping away from me and from the kids."

"Ness I'm so ashamed"

'Of failing? That's part of the recovery journey and relapsing is not failing. Failing is not owning up. Success is relapsing but getting up again and being honest enough about it.  
If you're feeling shame about what happened with Ria..Charity it happens more than you think. Sometimes it's childhood sexual experimentation between siblings, sometimes it's abuse and other times it happens with siblings who don't know they're related. I'm not minimising it but trying to help you understand that it happens, it's something you have to deal with or it will destroy you"

"You know...I often dreamt about what it would be like to have a sister. I mean Chas is the closet thing to having a sister but even Chas has turned against me in the past and sided with her family. With Cain, Sam, Belle and uncle Zac. All the times they excommunicated me I felt like an outsider never fully accepted even when they let me back in. Lisa was the only one who ever stuck up for me and she was a Dingle by marriage! She got me through many scrapes and was the nearest thing to a mother I had. Now I find out I do have a sister but I can never tell her and I have a mother that I can't bear to call a mother and I never want to see her again. It's so messed up Ness."

"Maybe in the future you can tell her."

"And say what!! Oh by the way Ria Polly and Ezra weren't really your parents. Your parents are Kathleen and Obadiah and I'm your sister tada!! You remember what we done to feed ourselves and score heroin back in the day...yeah Ness I'm really going to wade in and destroy her."

Vanessa groaned she felt so much pain for Charity.

"Babe I've got a stinking headache starting."

"It's the hangover kicking in...hopefully your last ever one" Vanessa said raising an eyebrow at Charity.

Charity sighed "I don't know what to do Ness. I don't know where to go with this. I feel so empty again, I can't even look at myself."

"Call Nikki Charity, get some 1 to 1 support, some counselling. Get back to your meetings. Alcohol might give you temporary release but when it wears off it's all still there waiting for you, playing over and over like an old cassette tape in your head. If you don't sort it it will destroy you, destroy us. I mean it Charity I can't be with you if you continue drinking. I won't put our kids through that. You have a choice to make. We can journey together in your recovery or you can go solo and drink yourself into an early grave but I won't stand by you and watch that."

Charity cried again as she looked into Vanessa's eyes "help me Ness."

"Make the call Charity"

Charity slowly picked up her phone hands shaking and scrolled through to Nikki's number. She pressed the call button.

She heard Nikki's voice as she answered the call "Charity"

"I've fucked up Nikki" was all she managed to say before breaking down the rest of her words unintelligible.

"I know....I know love but you've done the right thing now and that's what matters."

Vanessa took the phone from Charity as she was in no state to continue their conversation. She sat next to her with her arm around her and arranged with Nikki to call at the house in the morning.

Vanessa then called Chas and asked could they have the boys for the night reassuring Chas that Charity was going to be okay.

They sat on the sofa in the silence the only sound was their tears as Vanessa held her through it. Finally the crying subsided, Vanessa squeezed Charity tightly then released her.

"Come on let's get you some paracetamol, get you showered and cleaned up." 

Vanessa reached out her hand, Charity took it Vanessa helped her to her feet and led her upstairs relieved that Charity had finally opened up. She knew it was a difficult road ahead but she was confident that Charity wanted to make the right choices, however deep down she knew it wasn't that easy especially with the pain the recent revelations had brought to Charity. She could only hope that Charity would commit to facing that pain and resist the urge to escape it.

**Author's Note:**

> Another multi fic, thank you for reading so far I hope this new fic is of interest for you. There are more revelations to come!  
> 😲😲


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